


Not Everything Done In The Dark is Shameful

by authorgirl



Series: Not Everything Done In The Dark Is Shameful storyline [1]
Category: Barson - Fandom, Law & Order: SVU, Olivia Benson Rafael Barba, TV - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Friendship, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-31
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-05-16 12:53:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 34,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14811741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/authorgirl/pseuds/authorgirl
Summary: Olivia Benson is thinking about Rafael Barba. She can't get something he said a long time ago out of her head, so she goes to talk to him. Will he be there for her?I started to write this story on 10/24/2017Barson





	1. Chapter 1

Olivia Benson took a deep breath and put her pen down, Her paperwork was done. It was after midnight Saturday. Her mind was spinning ever since she saw Barba outside the courthouse. She got up from her desk, took another deep breath, gabbed her car keys and within moments was out the door.

Rafael Barba just finished his paperwork. He had no idea how he was going to wind down to sleep. It was after 1AM and he was wide awake. He was sitting on his couch in his apartment for no more than 5 minutes when he heard a soft knock on the door. Quickly he opened it and found a brown-eyed beauty he had gotten to know well. It had begun to rain moments earlier and her dark hair was damp.

"Lieutenant come in please" He said stepping aside, giving her space to enter.

"I'm sorry it's so late. I'm sorry I didn't call. I thought you would be up and I saw your light on." She was speaking quickly. Barba shut and locked the door. He then turned to face her. He waved a hand in front of her to signal he wanted to get a word in.

"No need to apologize. You're right, I just finished working and I'm wide awake.

"How many cups of coffee have you had counselor."

"3 cups of Cuban coffee".

"Strong stuff."

"You bet. I had a lot of work to do. Can I get you anything?" He smiled he was truly happy she was here.

"No. I'm fine thank-you." Barba strode back to the couch, sat down, and motioned for her to sit next to him."

"Sit, smile, let me know if you need anything at anytime." She sat down, his words made her smile and she put her head down, to hide it.

"I don't know what I'm doing here." I can't get something you said out of my mind.

"What's that?" he asked surprise in his voice. She turned her head to face him, and her brown eyes met his green ones.

"Not everything done in the dark is shameful" She answered softly. She jumped up from the couch as through she was afraid. You know what I should go. I'm going."

"Liv it's still raining. He said quickly. He stood up and walked toward her.

"A little rain can't hurt me". She turned and touched the doorknob. "Thank-you Counselor. See you Monday."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter is very short, that's why I posted 2 chapters here today

Before Olivia could turn the doorknob, she felt Barba's hand rest gently on her right shoulder. "Liv, stay please. It's obvious you want to talk. She turned to face him again.

"I'm not one for talking."

"Neither am I usually." Berba could hear her laugh, it was musical.

You're a great lawyer, by nature you're a talker."

"No, not when it comes things of a personal nature. I don't let many in, but I have let you in, I explained things in a way I haven't explained them to anyone else."

"You know there have been times when I have seen a shirk, privately due to certain events. I hate it."

"I would too, but you know Liv that it's not a weakness, especially considering your job, you've seen a lot." He spoke in almost a whisper. "You're been through a lot." She moved away from the door and began to pace. Bara watched, happy he had convinced her not to go.

"Not everything done in the dark is shameful. I want to believe that. I don't know if I can." She said softly sitting down again and covering her face with her hands.


	3. Chapter 3

Within seconds Barba was sitting beside Olivia Benson. He wondered if she was crying and he prayed she would look at him soon, but he didn't want to push. A few quiet moments past, she uncovered her face, but did not look at him. She looked straight ahead. "In my experience everything done in the dark is shameful. Bad things, in between things, non-consensual things, even consensual things have a degree of shame, sometimes a lot of it. I have always felt this way, How could I not?" She turned toward him and her brown eyes finally met his green ones. You're lucky your mother loves you, she likes you too. Mine hated me."

"Liv" He said softly, a look of shock on his face.

"Oh I'm sorry I forgot you don't already know, sometimes it feels like everyone I work with knows. I'm the product of my mother's rape, I was a reminder of her shame and at some point probably at the moment she gave birth to me I became a shame to her on my own. She was a brilliant woman, but she never fully lived after that rape. Besides me she had no one, her only loves were work and the bottle."

"What was her chosen career?' Barba asked because it was the easiest question he could think of.

"Ah she was a professor. I always felt she didn't love me, but she didn't tell me that she was raped and that I was the product of that rape until I was in my teens, and after she told me I rebelled, not that she noticed much. I started to date a student of hers. He wanted to take me away, to marry me."

"I take he was quite a bit older, and you were not 18."

"Correct Counselor. My mother found out my plan, she said she wouldn't let me marry this person. She was so drunk."

"Liv, maybe by telling you, you couldn't marry this man, she was showing love.

"I wish, she just didn't want me to have what I wanted, and what I wanted was to be away from her. I didn't really want to marry him, I didn't love him. That's shameful, my mother kept a dark secret from me. What did I do when I found out ? I acted shamefully. I couldn't love the man, I didn't trust him."

"How old were you?"

"I had just turned 16."

"How old was he?"

"20" she answered.

"You were right not to trust him."

"I know and he didn't touch me, I wouldn't let him, even then I have tried over the years to have successful relationships but... It never works, I don't trust often at all. All the men I have worked with have bad relationships because they choose woman who don't understand the job and don't want to, I don't blame them, but they can't handle what we see, what we do. As a woman doing this work I have other problems. I start dating a guy who seems normal at first glance, but then when he finds out what I do for a living, he is too interested, he asks too many questions, to be honest he is perverted, so I kick them out and go on." She took a deep breath. "Every shirk I've seen says they start to get somewhere with me, and then they hit a wall. So why am I sitting here telling you all this? Her voice was so soft as she looked into Barba's eyes, for some reason she became instantly calm.


	4. Chapter 4

Maybe you're telling me all this because I'm you're friend. Maybe you trust me?" "Barba answered staring into Olivia's eyes. She quickly broke eye contact. Rafael Barba was a very confident man, and not much scared him, but he was scared his words would send her running again. He watched her get up, and hoped she was not headed for the door. She quickly paced in front of him.

"The last and only person I ever fully trusted let me down."

"Eliot Stabler" The sound of Elliot's name coming from the month of Rafael Barba surprised her and stopped her from pacing. She stood in front of him and said nothing. When he couldn't stand the silence anymore he broke it. He could feel she wanted to ask him something. "I heard his name a few times." His words got her talking again, and that's what he wanted.

"Why?"

"People in the DA's office talk and you know the DA's office and SVU work closely together."

"Elliot hasn't been with the department in years."

"But he was for 12 years. That's a long time."

Olivia placed her hands on her hips. It is. He didn't even tell me he was leaving. I thought he was on leave, but he put his papers in without a word, and he never came back. He never looked back. He could have kept his job. I understand that he earned putting his papers in. I could even see why he would want to at least for awhile. He could have left the job without leaving me.. I saw him almost everyday for 12 years and then nothing. No e-mails, no calls, no face to face meetings., no contact."

"You loved him."

"I know what you're thinking Barba. I never slept with him, we never had a romantic relationship.

"I didn't know you were a mind reader. I didn't say that. I said you loved him."

"He was my friend and if my feelings ever went beyond that it's because he was my friend." She took one hand off her hip and glanced at her watch. It read 3:30AM. Lucy is spending the night at my apartment. The only reason I was able to come here was because she is with Noah. I really need to go now." Barba didn't want her to go, but what could he say to that, Noah needed her. He watched her as she made her way to the door and turned the doorknob.

"Maybe you can talk to me, because you know you can trust me, and you know I'm honestly your friend. The door was now opened, she turned her head to look at him. She looked like something was at the tip of her tongue, but she kept quiet. Call me when you get home."

"Alright" He head her say as she left his apartment and closed his door. Maybe one day I can truly teach her that not everything done in the dark is shameful. He thought to himself. It would be a difficult job considering her life, and her job but he was more than willing to do it. He wanted to do it. He was happy she lived nearby because he wasn't going to sleep until he knew she was home safely.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Author's note Kiss The Girls is a book that was made into a movie in the late 1990's

It was Saturday night, a full week since Olivia Benson showed up at Rafael Barba's door. She had called him as requested to let him know she got home safely, but not one word was said about the conversation they shared. They saw each other during the week but only talked about the cases they were working on. Barba was determined to change that. He walked swiftly down the hallway of the Manhattan SVU. "I see you're still burning the midnight oil." He said as he entered Benson's office. Her head shot up from a stack of paperwork. "I'm sorry I should have knocked. I didn't mean to frighten you." He heard the top drawer of her desk close and she got up. She walked toward him and stood in front of him.

"You didn't."

"You sure?" he asked raising an eyebrow.

"Yes I'm glad it was you. "I may have a new case for you, I just took a statement, I'm trying to get the woman to press charges."

"It's after 2AM. I think you could use a break." She smiled. You do, do you?"

"I do and I can tell you that because I'm also a workaholic too. She laughed.

"You're probably right then. I would be home already but Lucy has been spending every Saturday night at my apartment studying and writing, she gets quiet and I get work. With Noah there I don't find it quiet but compared to where she lives she says it is. Quiet is overrated."

"I think so", he raised his right hand in it he held a brown paper bag. I brought you some food."

"Thank-you," She took the bag and placed it on her desk. "Did you eat?

"I thought we could eat together. He watched as she unpacked the bag, inside were 2 vegetable soups, 2 coffees, 2 teas, and a bread." I didn't know if you would want coffee at this hour."

It's never a bad time for coffee Barba. Don't you know that?" He laughed and the sound was comforting.

"I agree."

"How did you know I was here?"

"When you didn't answer your house phone, I knew I would find you here."

"I'm glad counselor, never sneak up on me again."

"Noted, I promise I won't."

"Good."

"You know you deserve better. Stabler should have at the very least had a conversation with you after he left."

"I'm not talking about that especially here. I promised myself not to ever talk about it here. My Captain told me I had to learn to work with others, and that is what I did, a long time ago. Drop it."

"Consider it dropped." She smiled and eat her soup quietly for a few moments. Next time I'm taking you for Cuban food, that is if you enjoy it?"

"What I have had of it was good." I'm not the best in the kitchen, but I'm the Take-out queen, I've gotten a little better since I have to feed Noah."

"Taste a piece of bread." Barba held a piece of bread in her direction, we'll each break a piece off. Ready?"

"Sure why not?" She grabbed the part of the bread that was facing her.

"1, 2, 3 Barba said as they both pulled.

"Aren't we too old to play with our food?" She took a bite. "That is so good."

"Thought you would like it, everything in the bag is takeout except the bread, that my mother baked. All I did was warm it before I cane here."

"Thank your mother for me. You want to go over some case files?"

"Not tonight."

"Do we have to have a deep conversation now?"

"No."

"Good I'm tired, but counselor if you want to reveal something deep about yourself I'm all ears."

"My father left when I was very young, but let's not talk about it now."

"Understood. What do you want to talk about now?"

"Favorite movie?"

"No, you'll laugh at me."

"No I won't." He said smiling.

"Your already laughing Barba.

"No I'm not. Tell me." Benson took the last spoonful of her soup, and put her spoon down.

"Ok, When Harry Met Sally." Barba bust out laughing.

"Told you, you'd laugh at me, I knew it!

"I'm sorry", he said covering his month. It's not what I was expecting."

"Really and what were you expecting me to say? Kiss The Girls, I get enough of that stuff at work. She almost added and my dreams but she didn't because her goal was to keep the conversation light tonight.

"Yes you do Liv." He wasn't laughing now.

"What' yours?" She asked quickly.

"The Godfather."

"Oh no Barba every man I know says that, so predictable."

"Sorry it's not my only one."

"It is a great movie."

"Ah you do like it."

"Yes, who doesn't? All the action, all that family, love. "

"How many times have you been in love?" Barba asked softly looking at the woman who sat across from him.

"I think once."

"Do you believe in love, not the kind you called brainwashing, but real love?"

"Yes, for most people. Barba do you remember everything I say to you?"

"Pretty much."


	6. Chapter 6

It was another Saturday night, Olivia Benson walked into the large building which housed the DA's office. She smiled when she saw the woman with jet black hair sitting at her desk. Olivia held a paper bag in her right hand, she walked to the front of the desk and placed it down. "Hi Carmen. Barba still around or do I have to track him down?"

"No, he's still here."

"I brought coffee", Olivia said taking a cup out of the bag and handing it to Carmen.

"Thank-you, Carmen replied happily taking the cup and sipping carefully.

"You're welcome. How are you?"

"Great! How's Noah?"

"Wonderful. Thanks for asking."

"Lieutenant Benson" Barba said walking out of his office and in her direction." I thought I heard your voice". Olivia turned her head to face the man walking toward her.

"I love her, she brought coffee! Carmen said.

"Here" Olivia said handing him a cup when he stopped in front of her. "Careful it's hot,"

"Ah Thank-you You're an angel." He said before sipping from the cup.

"I wouldn't go that far Bara." She answered raising an eyebrow in surprise. Rafael Barba was always the definition of professional, she couldn't believe he just called her an angel. She hoped she wasn't blushing. Why did she come to his office so early? It was only 8:30 in the evening not late at all for Barba. She was almost positive by coming in at this hour she would run in to at least one other person, and she was right.

"Thanks for coming in Carmen, you can leave whenever you wish." His eyes never left Benson's as he spoke.

"Thank-you Carmen answered. "My husband made dinner reservations." She got up from her desk taking her coffee with her. Thanks so much for the coffee Lieutenant it was so thoughtful, and the caffeine fix helps a lot. Good night. You should bring Noah by."

"Good night Olivia called as Carmen left the room.

Bara took a quick sip of coffee and then spoke. "I was coming to see you soon."

"Beat you to it."

"I see that, I'm glad. You OK Liv?"

"Yeah, I couldn't look at anymore paperwork and I thought you could use the coffee. Noah is at a sleepover."

"That's nice, he answered smiling.

"I don't like it." Olivia heard him laugh softly.

"You want to sit down awhile or I could just take you for dinner?"

"No that's ok, I don't feel like seeing a lot of people. I'll sit down awhile." She said walking toward Barba's private office space. He quickly followed behind her. She was already on his office couch when he entered the room. She looked gorgeous as always but she also looked exhausted.

"So Norah's sleepover, you know the parents?"

"Yes."

"Nice people?"

"Yes."

"So you have nothing to worry about."

"Thank-you counselor. Do you ever know anyone? What if I missed something with these parents?"

"What if you didn't, he'll be fine Liv."

"Before I came here I called to check on him."

"How was he?"

"Playing, he said they were going to watch a movie and then James's mother was tucking them in."

"How many times did you call since he's been there?

"3" She answered watching his face for a reaction. He smiled.

"He fine Liv. What cases did you look at today?" She took a deep breath.

"Someone reported a child porn case Friday. I know what you're doing Barba You think I'm overreacting because of my job... because of my job I always see the worst."

"You're his mother, it's normal for you to worry, sometimes, every once in awhile there is nothing to worry about. It's one night."

"A lot can happen in one night. "

"I told you before you can trust your instincts. What did your instincts tell you?" He heard her say something under her breath, and he was sure he knew what it was. He asked anyway. "What was that?" He asked smiling. He saw her roll her eyes.

"they're nice people!" She answered louder. "You better be right."

"I'm always right." She laughed, and it was music to his ears, he heard himself laugh like he used to when he was a boy.

"You're so full of yourself Barba", she answered touching his arm. When she realized what she was she was doing she quickly removed her hand. " It's been a long week." She said quickly.

"I agree, he answered. He was disappointed she removed her hand from his arm, but he wouldn't let it show.

"You Ok?" She asked, her brown eyes were searching his green ones.

"Yes, like you said it's been a long week." He took a deep breath. "It's also my father's birthday today."

'Oh."

'I haven't seen him in years. He left when I was 8, my mother found out he was cheating on her, and next thing I knew he was gone. He drove away on my birthday." Thankfully, I didn't see him much after that, only when I had to, I used to run into him from time to time."

"I'm sorry Rafael." He waved his hand in front of him.

"It's fine. I have a great mother and I survived."

"Still It most have been very hard."

"I'm glad I'm nothing like him. Even when he was around he wasn't around."

"You are successful despite not having a father around."You went to Harvard."

"Did I tell you that?"

"No, Are you forgetting what I do for a living? I was curious." Once again Olivia hoped she wasn't blushing.

"When was the last time you ate?"

"Awhile, but I'm too tired. I could use some more coffee."

"I don't think so." I have a coffee machine here, you don't need an excuse to see me outside of working hours."

"Excuse me for doing something nice counselor, the last time you visited me outside of working hours you had dinner for me. I brought coffee, I know I hate the taste of the coffee at the station. I know you practically live off coffee, and Carmen was pleased. What does that say about the coffee in this office?"

"Not much."

"Thank-you".

"Liv, you realize we have spent every Saturday night together for weeks? It's becoming a habit. He said smiling.

Olivia felt relief wash over her when at that moment Bara's phone rang. I'll be right back he said getting up, and walking out of the room. "Hello, he said into the phone. When he heard the voice speaking on the other end. he said "

"Mami " How are you? I'm fine Mami, I'm done with work for the day"

Barba spoke to his mother for a few more moments before hanging up. "Sorry about that Liv" he said as he entered his office again. "That was my mother", he looked at his couch and found Olivia was sleeping on it. "Sweet dreams Liv," he said softly sitting down next to her


	7. Chapter 7

Olivia felt her eyes widen in fear. It was so dark. What time was it? Where was she? She looked around, her panic growing. She looked quickly to her left, and saw what looked like a figure of a person beside her. She straighten her back and sat up quickly.

"Liv, it's Ok." She heard Barba's voice say. "You fell asleep, Her brown eyes focused. Bara was sitting beside her, his right arm stretched out. He yawned. "You're in my office, I didn't want to wake you."

"Oh, sorry" She said softly looking in his direction. He placed his hand gently on her arm, something he wanted to do since he woke up, but didn't dare because she had told him never to sneak up on her. He wanted her to feel secure. She didn't pull away.

"Why?" Don't be sorry."

"Sorry I shouldn't have fallen asleep, sorry I woke you." He felt her moving away and released her arm. She got up from the couch and walked to the light switch on the wall. A moment later light flooded the room. "I have to pick up Noah."

Bara looked at his watch. "Liv it's 3 in the morning, you can't pick him up at this hour, you'll wake up the whole house."

"Oh" she replied sitting back on the couch. She turned to look at Barba. "Did I say anything in my sleep.?"

"No"

"I should get going?"

"Why? It's late, stay and get some sleep. You need it."

"I'm sorry, I never should have fallen asleep. This couch is so comfortable. How do you ever get any work done here?" Barba smiled, he loved how this woman made he smile. You can fall asleep on it anytime, he thought to himself, but didn't say out loud.

"Again, no need to be sorry."

Olivia looked down at her feet, she was wearing brown boots. "Barba my feet are killing me. You mind if I take my shoes off?

"Go ahead. You mind if I turn off the lights?"

"Of course not, go ahead. What do you think, I'm afraid of the dark? " Barba got up, switched off the light, and was beside his friend in moments. "

Of course not." Bara answered softly. He heard her boots hit the floor.

"Thanks, honestly I'm too tired to go to my apartment,

"I know", he answered, within moments he heard her soft breathing, she was asleep and he smiled before falling asleep again himself


	8. Chapter 8

It was Sunday, and Rafael Barba missed Olivia Benson already. Last night he found she had fallen asleep on his office couch. When she awoke he had convinced her to stay and rest. She asked him if she had said anything in her sleep. He said no and that was the truth, she had not said anything, but he was awoken by her voice making a sound full of fear. Once she fell asleep the second time she seemed fine and he hoped that knowing he was beside her on the couch had been a comfort to her. She slept until 8:30, wished him a good morning, and rushed out the door to pick up Noah. Now, it was 7pm. Barba was inside of Olivia's apartment building, and running to her door. when he got there, he quickly knocked and waited. "One more story, then dinner, then bed" He heard her say, she looked through the peephole, unlocked and opened the door.

"Hello Counselor." Barba smiled in response. She looked beautiful. She was wearing a red sweatshirt, and dark blue jeans. He watched as relief and happiness washed over her face. Barba was carrying a pizza.

"Hello How's Noah?"

"He's fine." She said smiling back at him.

"I told you."

"You did, point taken. I was just going to start dinner, come in."

"I thought Noah would like this and you wouldn't have to cook."

"Thank-you" she said finally stepping aside so he could enter. He quickly placed the pizza down on her kitchen counter.

"Barba, Barba"

"Hi"!" he replied to the five-year old running to him with a book. "Can you read me Good Night Moon?"

"I can do that."

"Good" Noah said quickly. "Come on", he grabbed Barba's hand and dragged him toward his room.

"10 minutes until dinner sweet boy" Olivia yelled as she watched them disappear down the hall.

Barba finished reading Good Night Moon, but that wasn't enough for the little boy sitting beside him. He was just about to start The Velveteen Rabbit when he head Olivia call. "Ready!"

"Come on Noah. Time to eat." Barba said.

"No, I want to finish the book."

You have to eat, later we'll finish the book."

"No, now! Mommy will make me go to bed later!"

"What if we make a deal? What if I promise to come read you this book another day?"

"You promise to come back?"

"Yes."

"When?" You and mommy work a lot."

"Next time your mami is off from work, I'll come over and read this."

"Promise?"

"I promise. "Deal?"

"Ok, deal." Once again Noah grabbed Barba's hand, and the walked out of the room and stopped when they reached Olivia.

"I was about to come in after you", Olivia said to both of them. Get the food while it's hot. She placed 2 paper plates on the table. "sit." Noah sat right down. Barba stood next to the chair she motioned him to sit in. "Did you want me to sit here?"

"Yes." Eat before it get's cold."

"Where's yours?"

"Relax, I'm getting it. Sit, take salad. Barba watched as she grabbed her plate and sat across from him. He reached for the salad, took some and placed it back at the center of the table.

"I don't want salad" Noah said playing with the salad on his plate. He took a tiny bite of his pizza.

"Eat your salad." Olivia answered. "You like carrots, I gave you a lot of carrots.

"Mommy did your mommy make you eat salad?" Olivia quickly locked eyes with Barba.

"Barba's mommy made him eat a lot of salad. Salad makes you smart."

"She's right, Barba said. Listen to your mami." Noah began to eat his salad.

Olivia smiled at both of them. "Did Noah tell you what he wants to do when he grows up?"

"What? Barba asked.

I want to be a cop and a lawyer!"

"A cop and a lawyer! Barba repeated with a smile. "You'll have to eat a lot of salad for that."

"Mommy almost went to the school where lawyers go."

"She did, did she?" Barba replied locking eyes with Olivia, he raised an eyebrow in surprise She cleared her throat.

"Noah, Barba doesn't want to hear about that. Yes, he does Barba thought, but didn't say it out loud. Olivia managed to change the subject. For the rest of the meal they made small talk.  
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A half and hour later Noah was tucked into bed, and she and Barba were in the living room sitting on the couch. "Thank-you for helping me with him."

"It's nothing. He's good, and smart."

"It's something." She answered. He smiled. "Don't think I'm letting you off the hook?"

"What?"

"Law school Liv? Tell me."

"Nothing to tell."

"Don't give me that."

"Raffa, I'm not talking about it."

"You know me, I won't let this go." He smiled at her again, "I'll get it out of you."

"I'm not talking about it... tonight." She replied getting off the couch. and grabbing a Blue-ray. "You want to watch the Godfather."

"I'd love to. Are you sure?" It's a long movie. She put the movie in the player, switched on the TV, pushed play, walked back to the couch, and sat down.

"That's the point." She said kicking off her shoes. Barba's gut told him, his friend would not see the whole movie before falling asleep, and that was more than fine with him.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank-you for reading!

Hi" Barba said when Olivia opened her apartment door.

"Hello", she answered surprised to see him. "What are you doing here?"

"I promised Noah I would read him a book."

"Oh that's Sunday right? He hasn't stopped talking about it. He said you were coming over the next time we are both off from work."

"I did say that, but I finished my paperwork and had some time. I should have called."

Noah is sleeping. After school he had a play date, and he was asleep before his head hit the pillow."

"Oh, I can come back another time. I promised him." He said quickly, so that she would know she had to invite him back or disappoint her son.

Raffa, you don't have to leave. Unless you want to."

"You haven't invited me in."

"Oh sorry", she said letting out a little laugh.

Olivia stepped back and he entered, he closed and locked the door, then he turned to face her. "So Liv how are you?"

"Fine." She answered, and Barba was doing it again, he was reading her, that was her job, and she was more than good at it, she was fantastic at it, but so was he. She hated to admit it. He looked deeply into her eyes, and tilted his head. She looked away the eye contact was getting too intense for her.

"You sure?"

"Yes", she answered quickly, glad she heard no hesitation in her voice.

He continued to look at her intently. "Look me in the eye and say that."

She looked him directly in the eye and signed "I'm really fine Raffa, it's just been a long day, and don't do that."

"Don't do what?"

"Try to read me, that's my job. I do it for a living,"

"So do I."

"Point taken." She placed her hands over her face. "I'm sorry Raffa, "It's been such a long day." Barba could hear the exhaustion in her voice. She uncovered her face.

"One too many rapists. He replied.

"Something like that. "Can I get you something?" Olivia walked to her kitchen. "If I have coffee now, I won't sleep. I don't have scotch in the house." I should get some she thought but would not dare say that out loud.

"No" Barba said sitting down on the couch and taking off his winter jacket.

Within moments Olivia was standing beside the couch, holding 2 ice teas "Take one, if you don't want it, I'll throw it away later, he took the glass in her left hand. She sat down, and he took a sip, and placed it on the coffee table, she placed her drink beside his. "I never want you to say I'm a bad host." She said.

"I would never say that." No Cabernet for you tonight?"

"No" She answered quickly.

"What's in the tea?' it's good."

"A touch of cranberry." She picked up her glass and sipped, there was a long moment of silence before she spoke again. "Sorry I fell asleep on you last night while we were watching the Godfather."

"I did too." Barba turned, and was looking into her eyes again. "What's wrong LiV?"

"Nothing... I'm just... I have a lot on my mind... and on top of that I've been thinking about my mother."

"That's why you're drinking tea, it was a statement, not a question."

"Yeah, Noah has been asking me a lot of questions. Did your mommy take you to the park, did your mommy read Good Night Moon to you?"

"Did she make you eat salad?" Barba continued.

"Exactly. She didn't. She was the first rape victim I dealt with. Olivia paused, sighed softly, and continued. "The other day Noah said mommy when I grow up I want to get bad guys like you... and Barba. I explained to him that we caught bad guys in different ways" He asked "What is Barba? " I told him you're a lawyer, that's when he said to me I want to be a cop and a lawyer mommy." Barba smiled, "I let it slip that I could have been a lawyer."

"You could Liv, you're smart enough. My question is when did you think you wanted to be one?"

"You can thank my mother for that, remember I told you about the boy who wanted to marry me."

"Yes."

"When I told her I was moving out, she yelled that no one else could have me, she was drinking, she was drunk and holding a bottle, she fell. The bottle broke and she came at me with the jagged edge, I never hit her before, but that time I did, she hit the wall and slide down. I called Simone Brice who was a law student at the time."

"I know her."

"A lot of people do. Years later, I was working a case and I called her to help a girl whose mother I had a bad feeling about. The mother wanted her daughter to endure a rape kit, because she found her with a boyfriend. Later, the young girl killed her mother, she wouldn't, let Simone use abuse as a defense, but she could have, because this girl's mother was coming after her." I told Casey Novak my story only to convince her to plead the girl out. She asked me why the girl didn't say anything, and I said when you admit to the abuse it becomes real. " I haven't thought about that case in years, I haven't thought about feeling like I had to tell Casey for the sake of the girl." Barba was filled with gratitude, that his closest friend trusted him, was talking to him because she trusted him enough, not because she had to save someone using her own pain to do it, he knew she did that a lot, and was glad this was not one of these times. He heard her voice again. "After that for awhile I thought I would be a lawyer, I even took the LSaT to see how I would do."

"And"? Barba said grabbing his iced tea and taking a sip.

"And nothing, I did good, but it wasn't for me. What can I say I was born to be a cop?"

"But with your scores, you could have gotten into any law school.

She laughed. "You're right, I told you they were good."

"Good by your standards means spectacular. You still can, I'd help you study."

"No way Barba, I'm good where I am", she said laughing. Her laughter stopped suddenly. "I don't want to be like my mother Raffa. I can't be."

Bara quickly put down his drink, and grabbed her right hand. "Hey look at me, you are not like her. You hear me?" She looked deeply into his green eyes, they were filled with reassurance she had not ever seen in any other.

"How do you know,?" She almost whispered.

"You don't go after Noah with jagged edges of bottles, You don't beat him." You make sure he has a winter coat, you read to him,." What you're really saying is you don't want to be the kind of mother she was, you're not. You're a good mother Liv."

"She loved her job, I love mine, maybe I work too much."

"Don't do this to yourself please. You work at being a good mother every single day! Noah is proud of you! Yes, you love your job, and you are the best at it, but you make sure Noah is never alone!" Whenever you see yourself doing something less than perfectly, you worry about it, but more importantly you work at it. I'm so sorry your mother was raped, you have to understand her rape was not your fault."

"I never had a "normal" family, I never had a normal family support system, especially growing up." What if I don't know what I'm doing?"

"You will get through it, and Noah will be fine."

"You're not ever afraid of being like your father?" The question escaped her lips before she could stop it. She was flooded with guilt, and her face felt suddenly hot. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked."

"It's fine, thinking of him makes me shake and cringe, but I know I'm not like him. I question myself and if I don't like what I'm doing, I work at it. My father would never do that. I'm loyal."

Olivia smiled, "And Damm charming,"

"Thank-you, he smiled back. He was still holding her hand.

"Thank-you for talking to me, thank-you for stopping by for Noah, and for staying I'm sure this is not how you wanted to spend your evening."

"Don't be so sure, this was enchanting, it is enchanting"

Olivia rolled her eyes at him "Yeah I've been very enchanting tonight". She replied sarcastically.

"Don't do that. I mean it, this is great." Barba had a question for his friend, a question he had been wondering about since the night she fell asleep on his office couch, but that question could wait. She finally looked relaxed.


	10. Chapter 10

Olivia Benson stood behind her office desk getting ready to leave for the night, when Fin entered, her plan was to go home, kiss Noah goodnight, and then go to bed. She didn't sleep much last night after Barba left her apartment. After talking to him about her mother and getting him to share things about his father, she didn't want him to go anywhere. What could she do, ask him to have a sleepover? He couldn't fall asleep every night watching long movies beside her, and she couldn't fall asleep on his office couch every night.

"Liv you got a minute?"

"Sure, she answered her friend. "What's up?" She watched as Fin walked in front of her desk, and stood there.

"I know someone who wants to meet you."

Olivia rolled her eyes. "Really Fin I've never taken you for a matchmaker, It's one of the many things I like about you."

"Listen, remember when we talked, and I said this was my life? It is but..."

"You're not leaving are you?" She asked quickly, she would hate that.

"No, I'm not leaving here." He answered her just as quickly.

"Oh did you get that parakeet we talked about?"

"Funny Liv. No I got a grandson."

"I know that's great, I'll meet him soon, ask Ken about dinner plans."

"I also got a girl."

"Well, you have been busy, I'm glad you got that balance."

"Liv, my girl knows this guy who wants to meet you."

"No, No, No", she said putting up a hand to get him to drop the subject. She stepped away from her desk. "Fin I'm going home, I'm tired, I'm hungry, I want to see my son. I'm so happy for you."

"Liv, wait listen.

"No, if you weren't already with someone I'd threaten to fix you up."

"Ha, ha"

"Fin, thank-you for always having my back, don't worry, I'm happy."

"You could be happier."

"I couldn't ask for more. The truth is, if have to go out with one more creep or accountant I'll scream. Fin I'm so tired, I didn't eat all day, I want to go home. drop it for now please, please."

"Oh I caught you, before you left, good.' You want to have some dinner with me, I'll buy you a steak". Barba said from the doorway of Olivia's office.

"Counselor Thank-you, I have some cases to go over with you." Bara could hear relief in her voice. "Do you need anything else Fin?"

"No, I'm good, Liv."

"Good, she answered, walking out of her office slowly. "Good night, she called when she was in the hallway.

"Night Liv. I always have your back." Fin smiled. I should have known, he thought, his friend and Barba looked good together, they made perfect sense together. He knew Olivia and if she needed a little help to get where she needed to be with Barba, he would help her.

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Olivia and Rafael walked side by side out of the stationhouse in silence. The silence was broken by Barba when they reached the street. "What was that about?"

"Fin is just being overprotective You mind if we stop by my apartment, so I can kiss Noah goodnight? Lucy is working on a paper, she asked to stay by me even through it's not the weekend yet."

"Of course, by all means," Barba answered. He was just happy she was having dinner with him in public. He would have settled for a drink with his friend, but he took a chance, he did tell her awhile ago he would take her for a meal.


	11. Chapter 11

Rafael Barba and Olivia Benson walked into Royalty Steakhouse, sat at a table, across from each other, ordered their food and were waiting for it. The place was packed despite the late hour, but they were not surprised, this was after all the city that never sleeps, and it never would.

"Looks like it's going to be a long wait, I'm surprised we were able to order so quickly." Olivia said making small talk, as Rafael gazed at her. Everyone knew that Olivia Benson was a confident woman, it shocked her that sometimes when her friend looked at her, she felt the need to cast her eyes down for a bit. His green eyes were so intense. Was he trying to read her now?

"I actually don't mind the long wait. Do you?" Barba replied.

"No I don't mind since we stopped by my apartment to check on Noah first, I can relax."

Barba smiled. "Good. "So why was Fin bring overprotective?"

"That's just Fin."

"Really I got the feeling I walked in on an important conversation, something I should know?"

"It's nothing involving a case. Apparently Fin is no longer single, so he doesn't think anyone else should be. It would have been easier if he was talking to me about a case. Wait why do you ask? What did you hear?"

"Nothing besides I'm so tired, I didn't eat all day, I want to go home. drop it for now please, please."

"I told you it would have been easier to discuss a case." Olivia rolled her eyes, and Barba laughed. "Don't laugh at me Barba."

"I wouldn't dare." He said still smiling.

Barba saw the waitress approaching their table with tray in hand. Within a few short moments she stood by the table and handed over plates. "Here you go Rafael, let me know if I can do anything else for you."

"Thank-you Kelly." Barba replied.

"You're welcome Rafael." Kelly dropped some napkins on the table before slowly walking away.

Olivia cast her eyes down and began to cut her steak. "She's obvious, Olivia said.

"What?"

"Nothing, she answered, she then took a bite of steak.

"What?" Barba repeated, "Don't say nothing, I know you too well." The comment about knowing her well caught Olivia off guard.

"It's nothing you're a brilliant man, you know what she was doing.

"What?"

"You're not that naïve. Eat before your food gets cold."

Olivia knew she sounded like a mother, but she was glad, she could feel him getting into prosecutor mode. They weren't going to talk about her, they were going to talk about him. It was silent at the table for awhile, and Olivia watched as he ate. When he finished he put his fork down. "What? tell me?"

"She was flirting with you."

"What makes you say that?"

Olivia took a bite of food, a drink of water, and leaned forward looking him directly in the eye. "Raffa look at the napkin closest to you. It has lipstick and her phone number on it. If I'm wrong I'll pay for this dinner, and I'll buy you coffee for a month." Barba did as she said, he flipped over the napkin, and smiled. "Am I right? Olivia asked after a moment of silence.

"You're not paying for dinner."

"That doesn't answer the question counselor."

"Lipstick and a number on a napkin something you've done?"

"Please, no, that's kids stuff."" Barba stared at her making sure he held her gaze. He had asked her about her conversation with Fin, and got very little information before she turned the tables on him. That was alright, he could wait for answers, he could wait for her. He crumbled up the lipstick kissed napkin


	12. Chapter 12

It was another long day. Olivia and Rafael spent almost 3 hours in the courthouse prepping Olivia's testimony for a trial the next morning. They spent another hour in Olivia's office going over the same testimony, and that is where they sat now.

"I think we can stop this now. This seems like it could be an easy case." Babra said as he placed a folder in his briefcase.

"How many of those do we get?" Olivia replied trying not to look too deeply into her friend's green eyes, she felt a nervous tension since last night's dinner. Why did she have to comment about Kelly the waitress? She never should have started that conversation, and those green eyes were so intense, when he held her gaze, she felt like he was purposely looking into her soul. When was she ever nervous around a man who wasn't trying to hurt or kill her? This was a different kind of nervous.

"Liv, Liv, You ok?" She heard her friend say softly.

"Yeah just tired." Barba nodded as his eyes connected with hers.

"She's in her office", Olivia heard Fin say, then she heard footsteps and a knock on the door. "Olivia, Olivia Benson."

Olivia got up from her chair quickly, and opened the door, she trusted Fin, if he was sending someone to her office it was someone he knew. "Yes" She answered A dark haired woman dressed in blue jeans and a long Olive green blouse entered the office

Olivia!" The woman exclaimed.

"Vicki? What happened?" Olivia asked quickly and nervously. Barba watched her go into full cop in possible danger mode. She put her hand on her hip, he could see she was checking for her gun.

"I came here to see how you are? I was in the neighborhood."

"Oh how are you doing? Vicki? You look great." Olivia answered calming down. She looked to Barba. He got up and stood next to her. "Vicki this is Assistant District Attorney Rafael Barba". Vicki reached her hand out to Barba to shake. At that moment Olivia's cell phone rang. "Oh I need to grab this call, excuse me. I'll be back." She ran out into the hallway.

"Vicki Logan" The woman introduced herself shaking Barba's hand. "I used to be Vicki Sayers. Olivia gave me my life back. Without giving you too much detail, for 15 years, I was terrorized by a man who raped me on 4 occasions, he followed me, he tracked me. They couldn't get him on any of my rapes, even after Olivia went to California, to track down an untested rape kit. She ended up getting him, because there is no statute of limitations on kidnapping."

"I'm sorry that you went through that MS. Logan."

"Thank-you Mr. Barba. Olivia has been in the news a lot these last few years, I just wanted to see how she is and what's she's up to."

"What's she's always up to, catching the bad guys" Barba said, smiling as he thought about Olivia.

"I was difficult. I took some of my pain out on her. I yelled at her, and she wouldn't go away.

"She understood, I'm sure she doesn't hold anything against you."

"I know, but I'm one person, she deals with so many victims and she's there for them. everyday, I can't imagine. If she hadn't caught my rapist Mr. Barba I don't think I would have been able to move forward with my husband. I couldn't trust anyone, I couldn't go outside. I wanted to come here and thank her again. I'm so happy."

"She's amazing." Barba said. Vicki smiled.

"I hope someone is there for her. I fell in love with and trusted my husband because he never gave up on me. Olivia Benson saved my life."

"Vicki, you saved yourself, I just had the privilege to arrest the bastard." Olivia said reentering the room and closing the door.

"You let me lock the cell on him."

"I'm glad you did, it can be very healing to show a man, a person who has abused you that you are taking your power back. So how are you?"

"I was just telling ADA Barba that I'm Vicki Logan now."

"You're married?"

"Yes, to a wonderful man named Andrew, I'm pregnant with our second child. My little boy Steven is 6."

"You deserve it." Olivia said. She reached into her pocket. "If you ever need anything, here's my card"," she said placing her card into Vicki's hand.

"Lieutenant Olivia Benson," Vicki read out loud. "I run a rape support group. I would love it, if you would come to a meeting, and speak." Vicki smiled at Barba for a short moment before she continued. "I'm glad I met you today Mr.. Barba . Many of my group's members would appreciate hearing from a DA, some are worried about the process of a trial. "Lieutenant?"

"Olivia."

"Olivia" Vicki said. "I came here to thank-you again, and to tell you that what you do really matters. It makes a difference."

"Take care of yourself and your family." Olivia replied. Vicki threw her arms around her, when she let go she exited the office.

"I'll be in touch about a meeting." Vicki said from the hallway. When she was gone, Olivia shut her office door, took a deep breath, exhaled, and turned to face Barba .

"You Ok?" He asked searching her face for answered.

"Yeah, it's not everyday I see a victim, so many years later."

"You got him Liv, for 15 years she looked over her shoulder, and you got him." Barba said, admiration in his voice. "Important call?"

"Oh, I asked Lucy this morning to pick Jesse up for Rollins, she was just getting back to me, she will."

"I gotta get out of here."

"Where are you going?" Barba's voice was filled with worry,

"I gotta go punch something", Barba took that to mean she was going to the gym. "I didn't get him, we couldn't touch him on her rapes, the duct tape, we were able to prove he held her against her will for hours because we had the duct tape. He bound her for hours with that dam duct tape." Olivia whispered to herself before she opened the door, and left the office.


	13. Chapter 13

Rafael Barba was scared. After Olivia sprinted out of her office and the building, he tried to call her. she didn't answer. He tried to track her down at a gym, he didn't see her, now he was standing at the front door of her apartment, he knocked once so far, but she didn't answer. "Olivia, come on." He said as he knocked again. In a moment like this, Barba wished she kept a spare key under a mat, but she would never do that, she was too smart. He wished he had a key." Olivia, open the door please." He sighed and continued to knock. He heard noise coming from inside. "Olivia I have to be in court at 9AM, but I'll stay out here all night if I have to." With these words the door was opened. Olivia stood in front of him drying her hair with a yellow towel. It was dripping. She was wearing a black jogging suit. Without a word she let him in.

"Relax Barba." She finally said as she watched him lock the door behind him.

He turned and looked at her. "Are you trying to give me a heart attack?"

"No. I went to the gym for 2 hours, came home, fed Noah, put him to bed, and jumped in the shower. When I came out you were knocking on the door."

"You ran out."

"I had to get out of there."

"I noticed. I know you're upset..." She put up her left hand to stop him from speaking.

"I'm not upset." She said,

"Right, you always run out of work like that", Barba answered sarcastically. "I know you're upset." He spoke softly. "Vicki got to you."

"I'm happy for her Barba. She has her life back, and she's stronger than ever, She's a survivor."

"I know, I know you're happy for her, that doesn't mean she didn't get to you. It must have brought back memories. Stabler was your partner?"

"Yes", she said as she continued to dry her hair. "He left at the end of that year." Barba gazed deeply into her eyes, she had an urge to look away, but she didn't.

"You said this monster kept her duct taped for hours? That's how you were able to get him."

"Barba Noah is sleeping, I don't want him to hear any of this. I know where you're going with this. Lewis has nothing to do with Vicki." She whispered. "What happened to Vicki, happened years before, and you would be surprised how many rapists freaks I have seen use duct tape."

"How have you been sleeping? Barba continued, careful not to wake Noah.

"Why do I feel like I'm on the stand?"

Barba sighed before, he was silent for a moment but his eyes never left hers. "I'm sorry", he said breaking the silence. "Next time you feel the need to run out of your office can you at least tell me where you're going, so I'm not at risk of a heart attack?" He smiled.

"I told you I had to punch something. I had a meeting with a punching bag. Go home Raffa, get some sleep, you have court in the morning."

Barba nodded. "Good night Liv." He said before he turned and left the apartment.

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Olivia sat on the couch. It had been about 20 minutes since Rafael Barba left her apartment. Her hair was finally dry. She couldn't remember the last time she dressed so quickly. She blushed when she thought of him seeing her with wet hair. Rafael Barba was used to seeing her put together, and that's the way she liked it. She grabbed her phone to check her messages, there were 3 of them, and she listened.

"Liv, are you ok? Please, call me back" Barba said on her voicemail.

"Liv, I know you're upset, I know you need a little time, but please call to let me know you're ok." Barba said.

"Olivia it's been 2 hours since you stormed out. This is not like you. It's not like you not to answer your phone, I'm getting worried. Call me please. Anytime."

Olivia hung up the phone, she looked at the clock. It was 9:30. She wanted to call ADA Barba right now, but he had court in the morning. Why didn't she just pick the phone once when he called? She didn't see it was him, but she did hear the phone ring.

"Liv Olivia heard Barba say, as he knocked lightly on the door. She quickly got up, and answered.

"What are you doing here?" She asked stepping aside, and watching him enter her apartment again.

"You didn't think you could get rid of me that easily did you?" He answered.

""What was I thinking? You didn't even get to closing arguments? Barba laughed.

"Now that I think about it, it was way too easy to get you out of here." What can I do for you?"

"I thought we would both get a better night's sleep if I slept here?"

Olivia's brown eyes went wide, "Excuse me?" She saw he held a tan bag in his hand.

"If I try to sleep at my apartment, I'm going to think about how you're not sleeping here."

"I sleep fine, most nights, and you have court in the morning."

"So do you."

"Your apartment is a little closer to the courthouse." She replied.

"What good is that if I don't sleep tonight?"

"Point taken, but I'm fine."

"If you don't want me here, I'll go. but please don't lie to me. We slept in the same room before." Olivia thought of the times she fell asleep with him in the room. It was so comforting to have him there, but they hadn't planned it. Did that matter? Olivia thought.

"We're both adults, and we both need sleep." She answered.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank-you for reading!

Rafael and Olivia fell asleep on the couch. Barba wasn't sure which one of them fell asleep first, but he slept well. He got up at 6AM, and left for the office at 6:30. Olivia woke up at 6:15, and neither of them knew how to explain the sleepover to Noah. Nothing happened but Noah wasn't used to anyone being in the apartment in the very early morning besides his mother. Before he left she wished him a good morning, and gave him a cup of coffee.

He saw her again at the courthouse when she testified for the jury. He smiled when he caught a glimpse of her at recess. Her phone rang, she answered quickly, and ran out. Sometimes Rafael Barba hated phones. He hadn't heard from her since, but at 6:PM his phone rang. It was now 6:15PM, and he nervously entered the station. He stopped at Amanda Rollins desk. "Rollins, what is it?" He often got called to the station, but it was usually Olivia who placed the call. It was not a good sign when the call came from anyone but her.

"Hey Barba" The young blond said. picking up a cup of coffee and sipping quickly before placing it down on her desk and continuing "I thought you would want to be here as soon as Carisi and Fin brought this guy in, and when Olivia got back from the hospital."

"What?" Barba exclaimed "Where is she? What hospital?" He turned to exit. His mind raced, he had to get to her.

"Hold on Barba, stay here. She's on her way, there's no point in you going to Mercy hospital by the time you get there, she'll be here." He turned to face the desk again.

"Rollins what happened?" Amanda knew from the look on Barba's face she needed to start talking. He needed to be brought up to speed and quickly. He looked like he was about to explode with fear.

"Can I get you some coffee?"

"Rollins don't take this the wrong way, but start talking." He almost growled. "What happened to her?"

"She'll be fine. She's on her way back here." Barba took a deep breath, he believed Rollins knew what she was talking about, as of now she had more information than he did, but relieve would not wash over him until he saw Olivia.

"Rollins start from the beginning", he said trying to sound calm.

"Not long ago a new bar opened up called The Playground, and since then tips have been coming in about a guy. This guy sits at a table alone, picks a woman, and tracks her movements all night. When the woman is about to leave the bar, he makes himself known by saying goodnight to her. When she exits he runs after her, drags her to a nearby alley, beats and rapes her."

"What happened to Olivia?" Barba asked again finding it hard to keep his voice controlled.

"She's fine. This guy. we call him the good night rapist. He has a type confidant , brunette, curvy, the kind of women who looks like she works out all the time, and can kick a man's ass."

"Liv" Barba interrupted.

"Exactly, Liv is his idea of the perfect woman."

"How comforting. Barba said sarcastically. "She is your lieutenant" , he found it hard to keep the anger and fear out of his voice "What was she doing undercover?"

"If this guy could put his specifications for the perfect woman into a computer, out would pop Liv."

"Again very comforting."

"Sorry she's my friend. You know Liv. All I'm saying is that once she understood that she was his type she had to go get him, there was no talking her out of it."

"She's on her way?"

"Yeah" Rollins answered. "She didn't want to go to the hospital. I called Lucy."

"Good. when is this Neanderthal getting here?" At that moment Carisi walked in, Fin was close by walking behind a handcuffed man. Carisi opened an interrogation room, and quickly walked in.

"You think you could do that to my partner punk? Think again." Fin said leading the man into the interrogation room. Rollins looked at Barba, and all she saw was rage.

"Barba" Rollins called, he gave no answer. She walked over to the coffee pot. "Barba" she called again. He blinked this time. "Sit, take some coffee, there was a chair next to Rollins desk, and he sat in in. He reached for the coffee she offered. She'll be here soon."

"Not soon enough" Barba answered finally. Amanda knew that nothing she said would help, Barba needed to see that Olivia was safe for himself. "I'm going to the hospital. Barba said getting up from the chair and throwing away the coffee cup.

"No stay, she'll be here" Rollins insisted. Barba looked at his watch. It was 7PM. He walked to a corner of the room and began to pace.

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"Rollins" Olivia said entering the room, and walking strait toward Amanda Rollin's desk. Olivia was wearing a form fitting off the shoulder sapphire blue dress that stopped above the knee. She didn't see Barba standing in the corner, he stopped pacing the moment he heard her voice "The son of a bitch lawyer-up yet"

"No, you Ok Liv?"

"I will be when I get a crack at him."

"you're not going in there." Without thinking she turned at the sound of Barba's voice. She had one small bruise on each cheek, and a small cut above her left eye.

Olivia quickly turned back to Rollins. "You called Barba?" She said softly, she sounded mortified.

"I thought he would want to be here."

"You won't get a confession out of this guy for hours Amanda. You couldn't wait till I got out of these clothes."

"Liv I'm sorry." Amanda said, and she meant it. Over the years Olivia became one of her best friends, but she had never seen Olivia embarrassed Olivia nodded.

"If I can't get a crack at that pervert now. I need a minute." Olivia said turning and walking to her office. Barba could see it was difficult for her to walk. When she got to her office she shut the door.

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Olivia had been sitting in her office writing notes for at least 10 minutes. When she felt she could not write another word, she put her pen down, and walked to her office door again. She took a deep breath. She could sense Barba standing outside her office waiting. She took another breath before opening the door, and she found she was right, there he was. "Come in please?" She said softly. He entered and again she shut the door. Barba stood in front of her. Her arms were crossed. He took off his tan suit jacket, she dropped her arms and allowed him to drape it over her. "Thank-you" She almost whispered.

"What did I say about not giving me a heart attack?" He wanted to hug her so badly, but he wasn't sure she was ready for that. He didn't know what happened.

"Rollins told you about this guy?"

"The Good Night rapist? "Yes."

"He picks a women stalks her in the bar, says good night, and goes after her when she leaves. I left the bar, I slowed down when I got next to the alley. He usually puts his arm around her neck and drags her in, but I turned and took a defensive stance, He said something under his breath. He tried to punch me, but missed. He said things to me, nothing I'm not used to with this job. He tried to punch me again and this time he connected. I punched back hard. This guy loves to talk, he tried to pick me up. I wouldn't let him. He punched again, and I felt his nails. I was about to knee him when Fin ran up. Carisi followed and he called the paramedics. I'm fine. The hospital released me. It will be hours before anyone gets a confession from this guy. Rollins shouldn't have called you. I would have done it."

"Rollins did what she thought was right. He said softly.

"It wasn't time to call the DA in!. Sometimes getting knocked around is part of the job, I know that, I accepted that. I'm not ashamed I took a beating doing my job. I didn't want you to see me like this, dressed like this!"

"Liv you need to tell me if you can't be touched by anyone right now". She took a deep breath but said nothing. Barba stepped closer, and she took one step closer to him. Barba wrapped his arms around her, he held her, and found she held him back. "I was so worried."

"Barba?" Olivia said softly.

"Yes"

"I need to sit down. These heels are killing me."

"Ok. He said letting go, but quickly placing his right arm around her shoulder, he lead her to her office chair, and sat across from her. "Olivia you wrote notes with that hand? Her right hand was swollen.

"It's nothing."

"Let me see."

"What are you a Dr. now too?"

"Olivia, let me see?" She held out her hand and when he took it in his, she winched. This needs more ice. You didn't do anything wrong, You know you can tell me anything this monster said to you?"

"It's all written down, but he called me his perfect woman. He called me a fighter. A lot of the men I have dealt with love a fight, they can't get enough, but if you stop fighting they lose interest."

Barba nodded. He was going to get this waste of a man. "Anything else?" She took a deep breath and tried not to make direct eye contact.

"He couldn't wait to get to his alley, right before he tried to pick me up, he tried to kiss me. That's it."

"I'm taking you home, and I'm sleeping over if there are no objections. Rafael Barba and Olivia Barba walked out of her office.

"Liv I'm sorry" Rollins said again. "I know if I were hurt I would want Carisi here."

"I know Amanda, I'm sorry. You and Carisi have a good weekend."

When Rafael and Olivia exited the station Rafael hailed a cab so Olivia would not have to walk. When a cab rolled up, they got in., and shut the doors. Olivia was grateful it was Friday night. It was such a long day, it was such a long week. She hugged Barba's suit jacket close to her body. It was so cold outside and his jacket warmed her.


	15. Chapter 15

Olivia sat silently in the cab, and Rafael could tell she was trying to hide her physical pain. 5 more minutes and they would arrive at Olivia's apartment, and he would get some ice on these injuries. It was cold, Barba watched as she pulled his jacket closer. He smiled, a smile she would normally notice, but didn't. Her phone rang, she jumped, and grabbed it with her left hand, and almost dropped it in the process. "Benson." "Munch", she said. "Fin called you?" He's overreacting, John don't be paranoid, please, I 've gotten much worse." "I can't say I got away without a starch, but I won't have any scars. I'm fine. John don't call the captain. I'm on my way home. Good-bye John Munch, come visit Noah soon. I'm fine, John go back to your date!" Olivia hung up.

"You Ok?" Barba asked.

"Yeah, Fin called Munch, and he was lecturing me." Olivia's phone rang again. Here we go," she said before grabbing her phone again. "Captain, I told Munch not to call you. Fin called you too? I'm fine. You know I had to. I got him. No Captain, nothing ice won't take care of. "No! She lowered her voice "No, he didn't get that far, Fin was there, Captain you know I would never have done it without backup. I have Noah now. I'm going home. Don't worry about me." She paused "Captain Thank-you." She hang up again. She looked over at Rafael, and gave him a tired smile.

"Cragen worried?" Barba asked knowing the answer. He wanted to hear her voice.

"I just got the Captain's lecture again."

"How many times has that happened?"

"Oh countless" Her phone rang again, "Benson, she answered "Amaro, you too?" How's California? I'm fine, I'm sure Nick. I'm sure, Nick, how are you? Oh that's great, tell Maria I said hello. Barba? You know, he's winning cases. I'm on my way home. I'm fine Amaro. Alone? No, not alone. Amaro thanks" Again, she hung up the phone, and hoped she wouldn't have to answer it again tonight.

The cab rolled to a stop outside of Olivia's building. "Wait here Barba said softly.

"I don't need help."

"Wait here, he repeated making direct eye contact with her. He quickly opened his cab door, closed it, and made it to her side of the cab. He opened the door. She stood, and he paid the driver. "Thank-you Sir." He said handing the man money. He closed the cab door, he didn't want Olivia doing it. He wrapped his arm around her, and she found herself leaning on him for support. The heels she wore pinched her feet and her hand was hurting. In truth Barba wanted to offer to carry her, but he knew she would not allow that. After 10 minute they were entering her apartment, Barba locked the door

"Liv, what happened?" Lucy yelled when she saw Olivia.

"Lucy I'm fine, I don't want to wake Noah." She answered.

"I'm getting you ice."

"Thank-you Lucy, but I can get it myself." Lucy didn't listen, she ran to the freezer , and retrieved 2 ice packs She wrapped each one in an orange towel .

"What happened?" she repeated walking into the living area.

"Lucy don't worry about it." Olivia answered.

"Did you get to punch back? Oh hello Mr. Barba ." Lucy said giving him a nervous smile, wishing she hadn't asked that question in front of him. She didn't like the way it came out.

"Hello Lucy", he said. He was still holding on to Olivia as she made her way to the sofa. He sat next to her. Lucy handed Barba the ice.

"I defended myself." Olivia answered, Lucy smiled at the woman who was her boss, but quickly became a friend and role model.

"What are you going to tell Noah when he sees?"

"I don't know yet."

"You need anything"? Lucy asked.

"No, thank-you Lucy." Olivia said. Lucy nodded.

"Don't let her out of your sight Mr. Barba." Barba smiled, he had no intention of doing that.

"Lucy before you go" Olivia said, "remember aim for the eyes, throat, nose, groin."

"I'll remember that." Lucy replied. "Hopefully, I'll never need to."

"It's just good to know." Lucy quickly picked up and purse and left, Barba got up and locked the door behind her. Within seconds he was by Olivia's' side.

"Teaching self- defense?" Barba asked turning his body to face her.

"Always. Lucy is taking a self-defense class I recommended."

"Good". Barba answered. "Hand."

"What?"

"Let me see the hand. Olivia rolled her eyes but complied. He saw her wince, when he gently took it and applied the ice. When was your first class?"

"Oh I was so young, what I just said to Lucy, I've been saying since I can remember. My mother learned it, and made me recite it over and over. I never hit her when she hit me except for the one time I told you about. It wouldn't have been fair, whenever she did it, she was drunk. I always felt she hated me, but I was always glad she never hit me sober. I guess she thought it was one thing if she hurt me, another if someone else did."

"I understand." Barba said looking into her eyes. He took the other ice pack and gently placed it first on one cheek, then the other, He let his hand linger, and never lost eye contact. My father was an angry man."

"Describe angry?" Olivia said, hoping that what she was thinking was wrong.

"I think you already know. What did your mother do to you when she was drunk?" Olivia's eyes went wide, and welled up with tears.

"Raffa I'm sorry."

"Hey, hey, don't cry. Liv, we survived," Olivia leaned toward him. and before she knew it she was holding him, she had never hugged anyone with such urgency, with the exception of little Noah, but that was different. He held her back, they stayed that way for about 10 minutes before Olivia broke the contact.

"Will you be here if Noah wakes up?" He smiled at her, and she got up from the sofa. "I need to get out of this thing. I'll be back. She walked as quickly as she could to her bedroom and closed the door. Barba was sitting there waiting when he heard a voice, and saw Noah coming out of his room.

"Raffa" he said sleepily, walking to Barba.

"Mi amigo" He Barba replied ruffling the boy's hair. You should be in bed."

"Is mommy ok?"

"She had a hard day, but she'll be ok."

"Will you help her?"

"That's why I'm here."

"Make her smile. Noah said innocently.

"I will."

"Raffa mommy is brave.

"Yes she is."

"Raffa do you think mommy is pretty?"

"What are you doing up?" Olivia said coming up behind her son and picking him up. She was dressed in a red jogging suit, He was starting to suspect, she wore jogging suits for his benefit.

"I wanted to see you, you didn't kiss me good night."

"Oh I'm sorry, I didn't want to wake you", she answered as she kissed him. He looked at her. What happened to your face?"

"Um... I ran into a bad guy, and locked him up." she put her son down.

"Can Barba tuck me back in?" Olivia looked at Rafael who was once again smiling at her. "Sure."

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15 minutes later Barba made his way back to Olivia who was once again sitting on the sofa. Barba could see that she had gotten up while he was tucking Noah in because his jacket was now folded neatly on her lap. "Your son is asleep He likes to play let's make a deal."

"Oh no. you mean he can actually grow up to be a lawyer"! She said laughing.

"He reminded me I still owe him a bedtime story, but we are now up to 3. " Olivia laughed again, he loved her laugh. "Feel any better? he asked softly.

"Are you kidding?, yes, I finally got rid of these dam heels, and that working girl dress, if you can call it a dress." Rafael raised his eyebrow in surprise. "Don't look at me like that Barba. That's what I call all the customs I've had to wear undercover." I think in my closet there are only 2 dresses I wore undercover that I would actually wear myself." Barba cleared his throat. "I just mean that, the dress tonight was too much even for me. A woman should be able to wear whatever she wants and feel safe, but we don't live in that kind of world Barba. I wear the costumes when I need to use myself as bait" I knew that guy was going to chose me, but I got him. He's not hurting anyone else tonight." She paused for a long moment. "Raffa your father drank?"

"No, he was just angry."

"I'm sorry."

"Let me see the hand again. She let him hold her hand, study it, and place the ice on it. Say what you want about lawyers Lieutenant, but you need me to get your warrants", For much more than that Rafael Barba , she thought but was afraid to say." Thank-you for everything Raffa, the truth is I didn't want to be alone tonight."

"You're not Liv, but thank-you for admitting it." She laughed nervously. Barba's cell phone rang, and he answered. "Mami?" He covered the mouth piece for a moment. "You up for one more phone call? He asked.

"Barba when did you have time to call and tell your mother? What did you tell your mother?" Olivia whispered.

"She's concerned, and I called her when you were hiding in your office." Olivia took the phone, and held it carefully. "Mrs. Barba?" Lucia, I'm fine, no I really am. Mrs. B... Lucia you don't have to do that. Thank-you. good night. She handed the phone back to Barba.

"I know", he said to his mother, "good night." He hung up.

"Rafa Thank-you for bringing me home, and offering to stay. I know I said I didn't want to be alone, but you don't have to stay, I'm sure your bed is much more comfortable and if you stay on this sofa again, you won't be able to move your neck."

"Olivia I want to stay with you, and if you trust me, we don't have to sleep on the sofa." Did you ever see the movie It Happened One Night?"

"No"

"It's an old black and white movie from 1934. It's about a single man and a single woman, who end up sharing a hotel room."

"In 1934 that was scandalous." She smiled.

"You'd love it. we'll watch it tomorrow."

"Ok, I don't want to be alone, and we need to sleep. She got up, and placed his jacket neatly on the sofa."Come on Barba, she said walking to her bedroom, he followed,


	16. Chapter 16

Author's Note: Thank-you for reading, and thank-you for taking the time to review.

The sun was not up yet. Rafael Barba laid in Olivia Benson's bed. Hours before he placed 2 pillows between them, it was not exactly The walls of Jericho. In the movie It Happened One Night, that he mentioned to Olivia, Clark Gable's character put up a sheet to divide the hotel room he had to share with Claudette Colbert's character. In reality the pillow wall was not necessary. Olivia slept on the far right side of the bed, he slept on the left. The bed was big enough that there was absolutely no danger of them touching. They slept closer to each other when they fell asleep on the sofa. Olivia fell asleep last night almost instantly with her back turned to him. Now, he saw her turn in her sleep onto her back. She was breathtaking, and her soul was just as beautiful. How could he keep his feeling for her a secret? How had he kept them hidden, especially lately, he thought to himself. He got out of bed, he was happy that the first night he planed to sleep in her apartment, he brought a bag with him and forgot to take it with him. He took apart the pillow wall, and placed the pillows at the foot of the bed, then he made the side he slept on. He went into the bathroom, and changed his clothes. He put on a pair of tan jeans, and a green bottom-down shirt. He finished getting ready for the day. He walked back into the bedroom. He saw Olivia was still sleeping soundly, and he smiled when he looked at the bedside table clock. it read 8:30. She needed the sleep, he would not wake her. He heard footsteps, and walked into the living area, he was standing in the living area before Noah got there.

"Is mommy sleeping?" Noah asked. walking up to Barba.

"Yes." Barba answered smiling.

"Barba, mommy said she ran into a bad guy."

"Yes she did."

"Why are there bad guys?" mommy said that girls can be bad too? "Why?"

Well yes, there are some bad people, but I don't know why."

"You and mommy put them in jail so they can't hurt anyone?"

"Yes."

"Barba, mommy says you put bad people away in different ways, you're a lawyer. The guy who hurt mommy, will you put him away?"

"I'm going to try my hardest Noah", he answered the little boy with conviction.

"Good."

"Noah what do you want for breakfast? Barba asked once again walking into the kitchen.

"Cookies?"

"Ah, I see where this is going. I'll rephrase. What does your mommy allow you to have for breakfast?"

"Cookies!"

"You are not having cookies. Noah do you want you're mommy to be upset with me?"

"No, I can have Cheerios with milk, and fruit."

"Good answer." Barba quickly found the Cheerios and milk, and set the items up at the table for Noah, who followed him, sat down happily and eat. Barba walked back to the kitchen, and opened the fringe. He could tell most of the food in there was for Noah. He found some fruit and eggs. "Noah does your mommy like scrambled eggs?"

"They are so gross, but she loves them. You know what else she loves that's gross tomatoes."

"Good to know." Barba said preparing a fruit plate He then put up the coffee. He heard Olivia's cell phone ring from her bedroom 3 times before she answered.

"Fin, no, please tell Amanda she doesn't have to do that. Yes, ok, tell her to please give me 15 minutes, please ok." Olivia said. "Oh!" Barba heard Olivia say sounding surprised. She bolted to the living area, and was about to run to Noah's bedroom.

"Hi Mommy!" Olivia turned quickly and saw her son sitting at the table with a big smile on his face.

"Hi sweet boy." She said running to him. "Oh, I'm sorry I got up so late."

"It's ok, Barba gave me breakfast." Olivia looked at the empty bowl, and spoon.

"He did." Noah got up from the table. Olivia picked him up, and kissed his check, and hair.

Noah's arms wrapped around Olivia's neck. "Are you ok Mommy?"

""I'm fine sweet boy. Guess what Amanda is coming over to take you and Jesse to the park, so go get dressed, and I'll wait with you downstairs ok?"

"Ok" Noah said running off.

"You need help Noah?" Olivia called

"No Mommy!" Noah called. Noah was back in 5 minutes wearing a white, black, and red hoodie with blue jeans. I" tied my own shoes." Olivia looked down at her son's shoes proud and grateful that he tied them all by himself.

"Noah run and grab your coat, just in case. It's very cold out." Noah did as he was told, Olivia grabbed her son's hand,, and walked out hoping that Amanda wouldn't be late. Barba would have offered to walk Noah down, but he knew that she would say she could do it, and the eggs were still cooking.

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10 minutes past, and Barba was about to go check on Olivia when he heard the door open and lock. He saw her slowly enter the living area. "Good morning." She looked beautiful even in that jogging suit, her hair was a mess, and her buses were still visible. He had to hold himself back from saying good morning beautiful, and the extra word almost slipped.

"Good morning." She answered.

"How are you feeling? Please don't give me your standard I'm fine answer."

"Ow!" She said suddenly walking slowly to the sofa, and sitting down, before she knew it he was sitting beside her, his body turned, he made eye contact. "I wish you would have let me get a crack at that son of a bitch." I asked Rollins if he lawyered up, he hadn't."

"You know I had to say something, I couldn't let you just go in there. I'm surprised that you listened to me without a fight."

"Yeah well, you were right," Olivia said.

Barba's eyebrows rose. "Excuse me?" He said laughter in his voice."What was that?"

Stop, I won't say it again. It's not the first time I told you, that you were right Barba."

"Oh, but I think it is, you have said you hoped I was right more than once, but not that I was. Let me enjoy this."

"Cut it out Raffa, you have such a mouth."

"I told you growing up I was the mouth of the group."

"Stop!" it hurts to smile, she said laughing. He laughed back, then stood up taking her hand, and leading her up. "Come on, you didn't eat anything last night."

"I'll grab a yogurt in a little while. I have nothing ready, and I can't leave the apartment today. Injuries always hurt more the next day. That's why I should have gotten a crack at him last night." She replied sounding defeated, and she hated it. He led her to the table, and she sat down. "When did you do this, and how did I miss it?" She said seeing the food in front of her. In the middle of the table was a fruit platter consisting of mangos, cherries, and cantaloupe.

"You had a rough night." He replied sitting down across from her. "When was the last time you ate?"

"Oh I don't know, yesterday right before I saw you at the courthouse."

"Liv that was yesterday morning before 9."

"I know, I saw you on the recess, I was going to get coffee, but my phone rang, I had to move fast."

"And you say I live off of coffee."

"You do." She took a bite of scrambled eggs. "You don't have to", she said when she finished the bite. "This is delicious"

"You're just staving."

"No, it really is, Thank-you Raffa, for this breakfast, for feeding Noah, for staying... Oh ... Noah saw you were here this morning. I should have woken up."

"Hey, relax." he said seeing exactly where she was going. "I got up before the sun came up, I was in the living room before Noah saw me. You're wearing that jogging suit."

"What's wrong with the jogging suit?"

"Nothing." Noah is fine, he is worried about you."

"He shouldn't be."

"You never worried about your mother?"

"I'm not my mother."

"Liv, I just mean, he adores you, you're his mother, he sees you came home injured, he's a smart kid, and he's 5."

"I know, sometimes it's so hard to believe. I would have liked to see you at 5 counselor." She continued to eat.

"I was the same as I am now, only younger."

"I can see that."

"How were you at 5?"

"Same. I was waiting around for my mother a lot, I started cleaning up for her then."

"If it makes you feel better I was hiding from my dad."

"It doesn't. Raffa, you deserved so much better than that." Her face was full of sadness, and Barba caught something in her tone.

"And you didn't?"

"I didn't say that, please don't cross examine me about Serena Benson, not today."

"Serena?"

"I didn't call her mom to her face until I was an adult. When I first started working SVU, I caught this case, it was a hard one. I met my mom for dinner, she was sober. I was talking about this little boy who I felt was neglected, his mother had been raped. My mom, she asked if I thought I would be better if she hadn't kept me." Olivia paused, and took her last bite of egg. When she finished she continued speaking. "I didn't answer, but I said that I hated my father for what he did to her. She looked at me and said I do too, but if he hadn't you wouldn't be here. She took my hand and squeezed it. She was so nice when she wasn't drinking." Barba got up, and Olivia exhaled.

"Coffee?" Barba asked as he poured it into her mug. He saw relief wash over her features.

"What do you think?" Barba poured himself a cup, put the coffee pot back, and sat back down across from Olivia.

"I think you never turn down a cup of coffee." Olivia smiled and took a sip. The warmth of the mug felt good against her hands, and she didn't let go until the mug was empty. Barba watched her, she looked like she wanted to say something. "You want to tell me something?"

"No, I can't, and I'm not talking anymore about my mother, not today."

"Understood. Anything else on your mind, you want to talk about."

"No, I can't. "it's nothing."

"It's something, you can confide in me, I hope you know that. Over the years you told me many things, and it all worked out," Olivia cleared her throat. "I'm a good person to confide in, I know how to keep a confidence."

"Raffa, please, it's not that serious, I can't take anymore serious conversations today. I'm glad I have the day off."

Barba never heard his friend say such a thing before. "Understood. So if it's not that serous what is it?" She sighed. "When Rollins picked up Noah", Olivia paused "Carisi was with her. "They work so well together. I don't want to have to separate them in any way. They looked... close."

"Before you left the station, you did tell them to have a good weekend." Barba said smiling.

"Barba! She said laughing. "I didn't mean it that way!"

"What? they took your advice." He said laughing.

"Stop!" she said, her body shaking from laughter. "I told you, it hurts to laugh".

Olivia watched as Rafael got up again. "Where are you going? She asked as she watched him walk to the fridge. He opened it and got 2 ice packs, he closed the door and turned to her.

"You still need some ice."

"No, it's fine, I'll take care of it later. She got up quickly, he saw her wince in pain, She walked to the living area, and he followed.

"Olivia you're going to sit down, and let me help you." He was using his stern courtroom voice. He was serious."

Olivia was standing by the sofa. I've had much worse, it's not that bad."

"Olivia, you're going to sit down and work with me." She heard him say those words to her before, and that time he got what he wanted. She had listened to him, she had worked with him. "She stood there watching him. He kept eye contact. "Olivia you're going to sit down, work with me, let me help you.. She backed up and sat down, He sat down next to her, he turned his body to her still holding eye contact. "Hand." She didn't argue, but she did finch when the ice was applied. "sorry." he said holding her hand gently.

"You're bossy, you know that?" Olivia said.

"Almost as bossy as you are." He said smiling at her, it took everything in him not to add more to this statement, as he looked at his friend, this stubborn woman sitting beside him.


	17. Chapter 17

It was Sunday. Noah did not get back from the park until yesterday in the late afternoon. Barba spent the rest of the afternoon playing robots with him. For dinner they ordered take-out sandwiches, Liv barely touched her tuna. At Noah's bedtime Babra fulfilled some of his promise, he read The Velveteen Rabbit until Noah fell asleep. After that he found Olivia asleep, and looking very uncomfortable. He woke her. She slowly made it to bed, falling back to sleep almost instantly, He wanted so badly to show her that he was different, that he was respectful. so again he constructed the pillow wall.

Today, he gave Noah breakfast again, and watched him color, he made sure Olivia kept ice on her injuries for most of the day. Now, it was almost dinner time. Noah was in his room playing with his police car. "I just think you should take the day off tomorrow." Barba said sitting next to Olivia on the sofa.

"No, Raffa I'm fine. What am I supposed to do, stay home until there is no trace of a bruise."

"Sounds good to me."

"No, I'm back to work tomorrow. I'm not going undercover, don't worry." Olivia said. Barba sighed loudly. They heard a knock at the door, Olivia got up and walked to the door. Barba followed behind her. "Who is it?"

"It's Lucia", Olivia was shocked and looked through the peephole before opening the door. Rafael Barba smiled from behind her.

"Mrs. Barba" Lucia held a brown paper bag in her right hand, in her left was a small plastic bag "Come in." Olivia said. Lucia entered quickly.

"Benson, the woman who drives my son crazy. Oh did you put ice on those injuries? When I called you said you were fine, I told you I would be by."

"You did on Friday night... but I didn't think..."

"That I would show up." Lucia replied.

"Mrs. Barba, what can I help you with?"

"First, drop the Mrs. Barba. Benson. Then you can take this small bag or get my son to do it." Olivia smiled, and took the smaller bag.

"Lucia, Liv "What can I do for you?"

"Liv, you can show me your kitchen."

"What?"

"I brought Pollo Asado, my mother's recipe Olivia looked at Lucia with wide eyes, Lucia took that to mean she didn't understand. "Roasted chicken."

"I know, what you said, you just didn't have to cook. The kitchen is right there." Olivia said pointing to it. Lucia nodded quickly, and was in the kitchen in a matter of seconds.

"How are you feeling Liv?" Lucia spoke as she emptied the bag.

"Fine."

"Mami, you should know fine is her standard answer." As Rafael said this Olivia felt his hand gently rest on the small of her back.

"Because I am fine", she said softly, surprise filling her voice." Lucia was heating the food. Olivia moved away and walked to the kitchen. She needed some distance. Her cheeks were hot, and she hoped no one would notice, but she doubted that. "I'll set the table." She said placing the plastic bag on the counter, and getting out the knives and forks.

"What's in the bag Mami? Rafael asked. He hadn't meant to reach for Olivia like that, he hadn't meant to startle her.

"it's toys for Noah." Lucia answered, Rafael walked quickly to the kitchen, and got some plates.

"Oh you didn't have to do that, Olivia said.

"I know, I wanted to." Olivia moved to the dinning table, Rafael followed placing a plate by each setting.

Olivia cleared her throat. Rafael was so close to her as he placed the last plate down. I'll get some cups, she said moving away.

"I'll get them." She answered.

"I'll call Noah then." He said.

"Ok she answered quickly, Rafael watched Olivia walk to the kitchen and open an upper cabinet, he watched as she reached for the cups. He rushed to her side. "Liv, let me get them."

"I got it." Olivia answered quickly.

"Benson, I like you, you have spunk, but let my son feel useful. Lucia said loudly. " Olivia's mouth opened in surprise, he heard a noise escape her lips. She backed away from the cabinet, and she allowed Rafael to reach for the cups. She stood motionless as he put a cup by each place.

"Noah." Rafael called "come here please". Noah ran to Rafael.

"What?" the five year old asked. Lucia took the food out and walked to the dinning table. "Noah I'd like to introduce you to my mother."

"Hello Noah." Lucia said.

"You're Barba's mommy!"

"Yes" Lucia smiled.

"Hello Mrs. Barba, nice to meet you." Barba is so cool!"

"I agree Noah, you are so polite. You may call me Lucia."

"Lucia!" Noah repeated happily.

"Noah I brought you a gift. Would you like to open it?"

Rafael grabbed the bag off the counter and handed it to Noah. "Thank-you", he said to Rafael, "Thank-you Lucia."

Rafael walked to the kitchen, where Olivia was still standing. "Liv, I've never seen you speechless for this long." She didn't respond "Liv, are you with me?"

Olivia blinked I'm sorry. "What?"

"Are you with me?"

"yeah, yes?"

"Where did you go?"

"I was in my own head." Rafael nodded, happy she didn't just say she was fine. She took a breath. "I'm back." He nodded again holding her gaze.

"Come on kids, let's eat." Lucia called. They walked to the dinning table and sat across from each other. Every bite of the meal was delish.

"Mommy" Noah said when he finished his food. "Lucia gave me a new robot and a train! Raffa has to help me put the train together."

"Raffa?" Lucia perked up and raised an eyebrow.

"That's what mommy calls Barba sometimes."

"Really?" I'm sure he likes that."

"Noah sweetie, get ready for bed." Olivia said feeling her cheeks burn.

"I don't want to go to bed now."

"You don't have go to bed right now, you have to get ready for bed."

"Are you going back to work tomorrow?"

"Yes."

"No!"

"Noah I have to. Get ready for bed please."

"Don't go back to work tomorrow!"

"Noah, I'll talk to you about this later."

"Don't go back to work tomorrow!"

"Noah stop." I'll talk to you about it later, we have company."

"No! I don't want you to get hurt again! Raffa didn't lock the bad guy up yet!"

"No Noah, but mommy did." Olivia's voice cracked, and she felt tears, but would not let them fall.

"But Raffa can keep the bad guys locked up! Remember, you said, you and Raffa lock up bad people, but in different ways. Raffa can keep them locked up!"

"Noah." Rafael said "Listen to your mami, and I will read to you before bed."

"Fine." Noah mumbled getting up and walking to his room.

"Mrs. Barba"" Olivia said looking at Lucia. "I'm so sorry." Olivia was grateful her voice didn't crack again. "Lo siento."

Lucia waved her hand in front of Olivia to signal her to stop. "Ah What did I say?"

Olivia took a breath. "Lucia Lo siento!"

"I understand, I raised a boy too, believe it or not this one was 5 at one time. She said smiling at her son.

"So I've heard." Olivia said smiling.

"You're doing great with him Olivia, and you can't blame the boy for worrying."

"I just didn't expect that. I try to keep my job away from him. I had a close call at a townhouse, but this was the first time Noah saw me with a scratch on me.

"I know. It's a little bit more than a stretch. Did you at least get in a good punch?"

"Lucia!"

"What? You're surprised I asked that question? "Have you met my son ADA Rafael Barba?" She said laughter in her voice. "Nothing makes him happier than putting the bad guys away in his way, Noah is right."

"So I've seen, best ADA I ever worked with ever, and I've been doing this work for a long, long time Lucia, you should be proud." Olivia made eye contact with her friend, but quickly looked away."

"Your mother did a good job with you."

"Mami" Rafael said.

Olivia nodded at her him, and answered Lucia Barba. "What I learned from her was to take care of myself. That lesson helps me so much in the job I have. Thank-you for the meal. I don't remember the last time I eat like that. I'm going to have to find time to do an extra hour at the gym."

"Oh please, another hour, you look like you already do 8 or more a week." Olivia laughed."I made sure you would have plenty of leftovers."

"Thank-you." Olivia said again. She got up and began to clear the table.

Barba quickly got up and was standing in front of her. "I got this" he said attempting to take the plates from her.

"I have it, my hand is better."

"I'll look at it later, I got this" Barba repeated, and she let him take the plates. The table was cleared quickly. Lucia continued to talk to Olivia, making her laugh more than a few times.

"You know of any nice men for me Liv? It's been awhile since I dated anyone."

"No" Olivia answered surprise filling her voice." You wouldn't want to date anyone I run into."

"No one you work with? " Lucia continued.

"Mrs. Barba... Lucia" Olivia corrected herself quickly before Lucia could do it. "You don't want to date a cop." Lucia was silent, she had plenty to say, but she would wait. "Rafi I'll call your cell phone when I get home, take care Liv, we'll talk soon". Lucia said as she left the apartment.


	18. Chapter 18

Rafael Barba was on his cell phone with his mother who had left Olivia's apartment an hour before Olivia stood by Noah's door which was partially closed. "She's busy now Mami, I'll tell her. She appreciates the leftovers. They'll help this week. Good night." He hung up his phone, and listened for Olivia.

"Noah do you need help? Noah, please answer me. Noah?"

"No, I don't need help!" Noah said in his cranky voice.

"You need to go to bed soon. Are you sure?" Noah didn't answer. "Noah?"

"I don't want to!"

"I know, but you have to. Noah you're tired, let me help you get ready for bed."

"No!"

"Noah, bed in 15 minutes."

"Are you going to work tomorrow?"

"Yes, I have to."

"I wish you weren't my mommy!" Oh not this again Olivia thought to herself. He had said that once before, and it broke her heart. It was breaking her heart now. She couldn't show him that. She was silent. "I want Barba!"

"Hey what's going on here" Olivia heard Barba say, as he placed a hand gently on her shoulder. Olivia quickly turned to face him, there was sadness in her brown eyes, but she looked directly into his green ones. "He wants Barba, she whispered, hoping her son didn't hear the words she spoke.

"Liv, please let me talk to him, Barba whispered back, the look in her eyes was breaking his heart. "when I said I would read to him, talking to him was part of my plan."

Olivia looked away from Barba and at her son's door." Bed very soon Noah". She said loudly. She turned back to Barba, and slowly nodded, hoping he didn't see how sad and exposed she felt, She throw her hands up, and brushed past him, so he could walk into Noah's room. She wished for a moment that' she could run into a dark hole and cry for awhile. She was tired, and she needed to get away from those green eyes that studied her so closely.

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"Hey Mi amigo" Barba said entering the boys room. Noah was sitting on the floor, his new robot in his hands. He wore blue pajamas, he was giving Liv a hard time, but at least secretly he was doing as she asked. "I heard you wanted to see me."

"Yes."

"That's good, because you and I need to have a talk."

"I don't want her to go to work." Barba found the rocking chair across from Noah, and sat in it. Liv must of sat here thousands of times rocking and caring for baby Noah when she first got him. Barba thought with admiration.

"Noah, I know that, and I understand, I didn't like it when my Mami had to work."

"Your mommy worked too?"

"Yes, she still does."

"I want her to stay home!"

"I understand that", Barba repeated nodding. It's hard not getting what you want, but that doesn't mean you should yell at your mommy."

"But I want her to stay home!"

"Oh I see, and you think if you yell enough, you will get whatever you want.?" Barba held in a smile, he wanted to laugh. Noah watched him intently and nodded, but even he didn't look convinced.

"Noah I know your mommy a long time, and I can tell you, you never get what you want from her by yelling. Your mommy loves you so much, you should never yell at her. You made her very sad. and you don't want to do that ever."

"Why does she need to go to work?"

"Mommy works to take care of you and her, but you know what mommy likes to work. She is so good at it."

"I know, Barba I like that she catches bad guys."

"I know Noah Barba answered.

"Barba?" Noah got off the floor, walked to the rocking chair, and sat on Barba's lap.

"Yes Noah" Barba answered leaning forward.

"You don't want my mommy going to work tomorrow."

"You're right, but I know she wants to. I also know I met her at work."

"You're happy you met her right?"

"Yes, I'm very happy I met her. I met her at work, in a courtroom where I was working."

"A courtroom!"

"Yes, a courtroom" Barba said allowing himself to finally laugh.

"Can I see?"

"You want to see a courtroom?" Barba asked laughter in his voice.

"Yes, where you met mommy!" Noah said happily.

"I don't know Noah but I'll ask your mommy."

I still don't want her to go to work tomorrow.

"I know, but you can't always get what you want. Mami is going to work tomorrow, but she always loves you, and she does what is best for you."

"Noah!" Olivia called." I'm coming in, time for bed."

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After Olivia tucked Noah in, he was asleep almost instantly. Olivia walked into the living area where Barba was waiting for her on the sofa.. She stopped in font of the sofa. "Did you tell Noah to say he was sorry to me? She asked softly.

"I told him that you love him, and he shouldn't yell at you. I also said that I understood that he was upset that he wasn't getting his way, but that he couldn't get his way all the time."

Barba looked deeply into Olivia's eyes, it seemed to him she was fighting many emotions. She averted her eyes, she sighed, and after a moment she sat down on the sofa next to him. "Thank-you."

"it was my pleasure."

"Good, because he didn't want anything to do with me." Olivia answered Barba. Barba wanted to answer her right away with an objection, but he held back, he wanted her to finish expressing the thought before he said anything, and she didn't sound done. Again, he said he wished I wasn't his mother, I don't blame him." He turned his body to face her.

"Hey, you listen to me Olivia, I was going to wait until you finished your thoughts before I spoke, but I see you want to beat yourself up, and I won't have it."

"I'm turning into my mother." She averted her eyes again, looking down.

"Olivia look at me please." She didn't, and his heart was breaking. He tried again. "Olivia you are not like your mother, he wanted to lift her chin so that she could look him in the eyes as he tried to comfort her, but he didn't want to force or push her. Her head shot up at those words. She looked directly into his eyes and he felt a wave of relief wash over him.

"I'm nothing like her. You can't know that. My mother, she always said the same thing Olivia stop it, we have company." Barba could see tears glistening in her eyes.

"Liv, he almost whispered,. "forgive me, but I don't think it's was anywhere near the same thing. You felt Noah was being disrespectful in front of my mother. You did the right thing. You didn't hit him."

"You don't think I was ever disrespectful to her?"

"All kids are at some point, it's part of growing up, and then most learn never to be disrespectful again. Olivia what do you think you did wrong? Ask for a winter coat or maybe you asked for some attention? My mother worked, but she made time for me, and she tried to protect me from my father when he was around." Barba got up from the sofa, he was seeing red, he was so angry now, not at Olivia but at her mother. He told Olivia earlier he would check her hand again, and he thought this was the perfect time to get the ice. Olivia's eyes were on him, until he sat next to her again." Let me see the hand." Olivia let him take her hand and place ice on it, the ice was wrapped in a blue towel. "What would happen if your mother said stop it, we have company?"

"I would stop."

"And if you didn't?"

"You don't want to hear any of that."

"If you didn't stop?"

"She grabbed me by the hand, she made it look as gentle as she could depending on how drunk she was. If she was too drunk to care what people thought she just tugged at my arms. She would drag me by the hand or tug me to my room, and she hit me until I stopped what she didn't like. It didn't take long. It wasn't all her fault Barba" Olivia continued seeing how heartbroken he was for the little Olivia. "She was raped."

"I know, but Olivia never compare your parenting to hers, you have been through so much and you would never do to Noah, to any child what you just described." One tear fell down her right cheek. Barba raised his hand to wipe it away. He still held her almost healed hand and she was so grateful for that. "You're right Barba. You happy, I'm a far better parent than she was." She smiled, and he smiled back. I'm sorry I don't want to even think about all this, it's just... I told you Noah keeps asking questions about her... and he got close to Shelia."

"Don't be sorry Liv. You're an amazing mother, you did the right thing."

"Thank-you for saying that." Olivia answered.

"I mean it", he said with conviction. I have to ask. Are you still going to work tomorrow?"

"What do you think? Olivia answered. Barba rolled his eyes. "Barba relax I'm not trying to drive you crazy although every time I see your mother she tells me I do. Why is that? "Don't worry I'm on desk duty." He laughed and rolled his eyes.

"My mother said she would love to visit again." Barba said,

"You're mother is always welcome. Barba you knew she was coming over didn't you?"

"Of course, she wouldn't take no for an answer."

"Why does that not surprise me?" Tell her I said thank-you again."

"Tell her yourself, I'll give you her number."

"Ok", Olivia paused. for a moment and took a breath before speaking again I'm tired, and I'm sure you ran out of clothes here by now, I'll see you tomorrow sometime." She got up and walked toward her bedroom, but turned back to face him quickly. "Barba, I know it's late, but call me when you get home to let me know you got there ok."


	19. Chapter 19

It was almost 9PM, Monday night as an exhausted Olivia walked into the DA's office. " Carmen, I didn't think you would still be here. Olivia said walking in front of the woman's desk and stopping, She carried files in one hand and a heavy bag in the other. She quickly rested the files on the desk.

"Lieutenant Benson!" Carmen answered happily.

"Please, call me Olivia or Liv

"Olivia, how are you feeling today?" Carman said her voice full of concern.

"Not you too Carmen, I'm fine. I've had a lot worse. It's nothing."

"If I were attacked would you say it was nothing?"

"Of course not. You have something you need to tell me?"

Carmen smiled. "No Olivia there are still good men out there, and I'm married to one of them. I'm thankful for that everyday." Olivia smiled and Carmen continued. "Olivia Barba was a wrack this past Friday." He ran out of here like a bat out of hell. I called after him, and he said Something was wrong, he needed to get to you. I could leave and he would call me to let me know when to come back to work. If you took today off, I was going to get the day off with pay."

"He was going to take the day off for me? He's so busy". Olivia whispered, she wished she could sit down."

Olivia between us women "I have never seen him like that, he was fearful, he didn't know what was going on, but he had a bad feeling."

"He's so busy", Olivia repeated." He is as busy as I am."

"Olivia he would take off for you, if you needed him. Honestly, I've noticed you 2 workaholics make time for each other." Olivia phone rang, she grabbed it, and saw Barba's name on the screen. "That's him calling you isn't it? I should have told him you were here already." Carmen pressed a bottom on her phone, and spoke. "Olivia Benson is here." Olivia's phone stopped ringing, she put it away quickly.

"Great minds, think alike". She heard Barba say as he walked toward her. She turned to face him not sure if she was blushing or pale. You ok? You look pale."

Olivia smiled "Yeah another long day." Barba saw the files on the desk, and the bag in her hand.

"What do you have for me?"

"Evidence" She said quickly.

"My husband just texted me that he's outside". Carman said getting up, grabbing her coat, and leaving her desk. "Great seeing you Olivia, take care of yourself, and visit again, and often."

"Carmen" Barba said laughing a little. It sounded like a nervous laugh, but in truth it wasn't. Nothing about the way he felt about Olivia embarrassed him, but he knew her, and he didn't want her to run from him.

"What? Olivia is my friend too", Carmen answered. "You think she comes to this office just to see you?" She smiled, "Good night," she said in a sing song tone as she walked outside and into the arms of her husband.

"Barba smiled, What's in the bag Liv?

"Your mother's cooking. Noah played soccer today at school, he was so tired I gave him his dinner early, and put him to bed." Lucy has a paper she has to write, she asked to stay in the guestroom, and she told me I looked like I needed fresh air." She told me to have fun what she meant by that I don't know ,but she practically kicked me out of my own apartment."

"So you left the station, went home, and came all the way here in the cold to see me?" He smiled.

"I knew you'd still be here. I needed to give you evidence, and honestly I didn't feel like eating alone, your mother made a enough food to feed an army". Barba made a mantel note to think his mother for making more food than Olivia and Noah could ever eat.

"You didn't eat with Noah?"

"No, after looking at these files, I couldn't eat." He nodded. He walked over to the front of Carmen's desk where Olivia placed the files, and picked them up.

"Well I'm starving, let's eat" He walked into his office and placed the files down. She followed him, and set up the food on his desk.

"How was your day?" Olivia asked, he could hear the exhaustion in her voice.

"I missed you in the courtroom today."

"I didn't think you would want me there, I testified Friday before everything happened. I put myself on desk duty." It was only Monday, but to Olivia Friday morning seemed so long ago.

"So you spent the day reading reports?"

"Yeah, and I got a call from the wife of The Good Night Rapist. She said she could finally call because she knew we were holding him. She came in late this afternoon with pictures of her injuries."

"That must of been hard for you to see."

"She's pressing charges, that's the good thing. She asked if I was the one who arrested him, I told her I was there when he was arrested, then she studied my face. She said thank-you and I'm sorry if he tried to hurt you. They've been married for 5 years Raffa, for 5 years he's been beating and raping her. I'm sorry this is not exactly dinner conversation."

"You have nothing to be sorry for Liv."

"Thank-you, I promise I'll be in the courtroom sometime tomorrow, and I promise I didn't come here to destroy your appetite." She took her first bite of food.

"You did your job, and now I can do mine. I can get him on assault of an officer, and hopefully the domestic violence charge will stick."

"I think it will, she's sick of it, and she's sorry for any other women that he hurt. She wishes she would have reported him sooner, I couldn't tell her, I wish she had too, she was in no shape to hear it." Barba watched as she slowly eat his mother's cooking, he guessed it was her first real meal of the day.

"Olivia I told you, you don't need an excuse to come see me. You don't have to bring paperwork every time. You can come to see me anytime. I was coming to see you, I didn't want to eat without you." She looked down avoiding his eyes, but he saw she smiled her nervous smile, a smile he knew well. She looked up after a long moment, she was so tired her eyes were closing. "Tired?" He asked knowing the answer already.

"What gave me away? I didn't sleep last night."

Barba didn't sleep either, he was used to sleeping around her, and last night he went back to his apartment. He was sorry she was having another tough day, but at the same time his heart swelled with happiness because she seemed to miss him. She wanted his comfort and was seeking it out. He prayed he was reading her correctly. "You didn't sleep at all?"

'Not at all", she answered softly. She took another bite of food." Your mother is a great cook. Have you ever been so tired you couldn't eat? I'm saving this for later. She stood up and began to pack up the meal. Barba finished his, and throw the empty paper plate away. Olivia walked to his office couch, and sat down. I really came to rest on your couch."

"Oh I see", he sat with her. He watched her close her eyes, and sigh. When he was sure she was sleeping, he got down on the floor, and removed her shoes, placing them in front of her, so that she would see them as soon as she needed them. "Dulces suenos bella. He whispered,sweet dreams beautiful. He got up from the floor, and it took all his will power not to kiss her on the forehead, he didn't want to frighten or wake her. After about 10 minuets he took his place next to her on the couch, and closed his own eyes, he quickly drifted to sleep with her dancing in his head.

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Rafael Barba jolted awake with a bad feeling in the pit od his stomach, he thought he heard Olivia cry "You make my skin crawl! You freak! You want me to say something to you, I'll say what I said before. You think that you put people through hell, I promise you It will rain back down on you! Go ahead shoot me, rape me, do what you're gonna do Lewis!"

"Olivia, wake up, Barba said panic filling his voice, despite the facts that he knew Lewis was dead, and he knew Olivia was having a nightwear that would pass. Olivia was thrusting in her sleep, "Olivia wake up!" He said again gently shaking her, he place one of his hands on her shoulder and that's when she opened her eyes to find his. "Olivia, you're safe, I'm right here. I'm right here."

"Rafael?" Olivia sat up strait, she could feel tears in her eyes and she quickly wiped them away.

"I'm here Liv."

"Oh, it wasn't real. She said softly relief in her voice.

"Breathe." She did as Barba said.

"What did I say?" She asked looking into his eyes, they were pulling her back into reality, and she was thankful for that. ""No never mind, I remember enough."

"You're ok Liv, he's gone, he's dead."

"I know, he's dead, I let him go." Tears glistened in her eyes, she sniffed, before speaking again. "Barba... I... I haven't had a nightmare like that in years."

"The last time you fell asleep here, you seemed to have had one, but you didn't say anything."

"I know, but I haven't had one like the one I just had in years, I promise, not until last night."

"This started last night?"

"Yeah." She got up from the couch. "Look I'm sorry, I shouldn't have fallen asleep here. I don't need this, please just pretend it never happened ok?"

"What do you mean you don't need this?"

Olivia looked down at her feet. "Where are my shoes?"

"Right there", he answered pointing to them. She grabbed them quickly, and put them on. I'm sorry I thought you would sleep better if I took them off. What do you mean you don't need this?"

"I don't need the DA knowing that I had a nightmare, I don't need the DA who I work with thinking I can't do my job, and reporting me." I'm out of here!" She walked toward the door, he followed, and gently placed his hand on her arm.

"Liv please don't leave like this. Olivia listen to me", he said making direct eye contact again. I know that you can do your job". His voice was full of conviction. "You're human, sometimes you go through things and it brings other things up, things from the past, things that you dealt with." It's ok, it's going to be ok. You are so strong Olivia, you're the strongest women, the strongest person, and I'm Rafael, Rafa, not the ADA, we're not working now." He heard her sigh softly, and her body which had been tense began to relax. "What can I do?" Tell me what you need."

"it's late, and we're both tired. Can we just sleep? Can you... just put your arms around me?" She whispered. He nodded.

This beautiful woman, his best friend was standing before him, asking him to hold her, and being very careful not to use the words. He let go of her hand when they reached his office couch again. He watched as she removed her shoes before he removed his. He laid flat on the couch. "Ready when you are." She walked slowly to him, she put her arms in front of her, and laid on top of him. He slowly wrapped his arms around her.

"I'm sorry." She said snuggling into him.

"Never be sorry with me Olivia." He said holding her a little tighter, and that is how they both drifted to sleep.


	20. Chapter 20

The verdict Rafael had been waiting for come in, guiltily on all counts, another violent criminal was behind bars, and would never be able to hurt anyone again. Normally, he would be on cloud 9 after a guiltily verdict on a case like this, but he couldn't shake the uneasy feeling he had all day. He expected when he woke this morning to find his arms wrapped around Olivia, that's how he fell asleep. Instead he woke with a note on his clothed chest and she was gone. His arms felt so empty, sleeping next to her was incredible, he slept so much better. He was so glad he was there to help her through the nightmare, and that she wanted to be held by him. He would always be there for her, even if she didn't fully understand that yet. Luckily for him he kept an extra suit and toothbrush in his office at all times just in case, he had to be in court after a long night of preparing. After he got ready for the day and right before court he read her note.

Barba:

I didn't mean to sleep and run. I left so that I could get home to send Noah off to school, and get to the station on time. I'm so sorry I was such a mess last night. I don't know what came over me. Thank-you for being there. You didn't have to be. I owe you.

Olivia

The fist sentence of the note made him smile, but the rest of it made his heart sink. It was so formal and sad. Olivia did show up in the courtroom, but she ran out before he could talk to her. As he walked into Forlini's past conversations he had with her played in his head. He needed to gather his thoughts before he talked to her again. He ordered a fruit plate, a noddle bowl, and an iced tea. He eat slowly, hoping the lunch would help him think.

"Barba, we need to talk. What did you do?" He heard a loud voice say, he recognized it as Fin. He quickly walked toward Barba's table.

"Please sit." Barba said, and Fin quickly sat in the booth across from him. "What can I do for you?"

"What did you do?"

"Pardon?"

"Liv came in 5 minutes late, took a bunch of files, and locked herself in her office. When she left for court she didn't even look at anybody on the way out, when she got back she refused a cup of coffee. She ran back into her office, before she locked the door again she told me to let her know if there were any emergencies. Rollins knocked on the door, and offered her a sandwich, nothing."

"So you're saying she's hiding in her office?"

"I'm saying when something is off between you two everything is off, when you two are good, everything is good. So what did you do, and why are you sitting here? You giving up on her Barba?"

"That's not happening, that will never happen, I'm never giving up on her!." Barba said in his no nonsense courtroom voice. "So let's move on. We didn't have an argument, but I know she's upset. She ran out of the courthouse before I could say anything." I'm sitting here trying to figure out what to do.

"While you're sitting there thinking, I'm going to level with you."

"Please do."

"I've known Liv for over 18 years. She's saved my life on more than one occasion, if it wasn't for her, I don't think I would be talking to my son, she brought us back together and she helped him when he didn't want to come to me. I have helped her out of at least a few scrapes with some bad dudes, and some perverts. I won't go into that, I'll let her tell you about it, if she needs to."

"Thank-you for protecting her." Barba said relief filling his voice.

"I'm not done." Fin said Barba took a bite of pineapple, and looked at Fin waiting for his next words. "I have never in my life seen Liv smile the way she does when she sees you. She's a very loyal person Barba, and she's given her loyalty to the wrong people sometimes. No man has ever treated her the way you do. You stayed with her after this last assult, and I'm sure she said you didn't have to, and that she was fine, I'm sure she gave you a hard time, but you stayed with her."

"I can take it. I needed to be there."

"Barba stop talking, and just listen, I'm not done, and I have to get back to the station before Liv realizes I'm gone, and starts asking questions. I feel bad because there were a few tims we were working on a case, in the sqadroom, and we were all giving our opintion about things. I called her a prude, because her tone seemed judgemental to me. Now, I realize that when it comes to abuse she's seen more than even I have. Who knows what she went through with that mother of hers I see the way men look at her on this job, 95% of them have not been able to control themselves. You know how many times she's walked into a strip club to interview potential witnesses and has been offered a job by the owner, or how many guys have asked her Hey Baby wanna make a movie, how many suspects have looked at her like they would do anything to be alone with her." Barba looked angery now as through if he could he would beat everyone of those men, everyone who ever wanted to hurt Olivia Benson.

Good Fin thought to himself. "My point is" Fin continued "It's hard to be her. It's hard to be a beauiful woman on this job. Ask me how many times that happened to me?" She's never lets her guard down completely. Everybody needs that, even the people who do what we do, who see what was see need a home."

"Even more so" Barba said softly. Fin nodded.

"She never had one, before Noah she would put herself in the line of fire without a thought, especially if the person she was protecting had a family. Now, she does the same, but she thinks about it, she's more careful,"

"I noticed", Barba said.

"You know what I noticed?" When she needs someone she goes to you. Now that I think about it every time she says Counselor can I walk you out, she's wants to tell you something she doesn't want us to hear."

"She told you that?" Barba raised an eyebrow.

"I've been talking to Amanda, she pointed it out. "She's right through." You have her back Barba, you're good for her and she's good for you. You know she didn't have to show up today for the verdict. She did that for you. that's why I'm here to help you out, I have some information, and a plan. Listen up. Remember when you found me in Liv's office? The night you took her to dinner?"

"Yes, that was the first time she let me take her to dinner."

I was trying to fix her up when you walked in. She wasn't interested, she told me she was happy. I saw when you walked in she wasn't interested because of you, you and Noah were the reasons she was happy. Right before I tracked you down here, she called me into her office and asked if I still wanted to fix her up." I asked if she was sure. She said Why not? I told her I would set it up tonight. I said the guy would be there by 9. I called Munch, he's taking Noah for the night. Don't be late Barba. You weren't the guy I had in mind when I first suggested it, but you're better. You were close with your grandparents right?"

"Yes, Liv tell you that."

"She was upset when you lost your grandmother."

"She sat with me in my office for hours after the funeral."

"Yeah, she had a meeting she rescheduled that day, and she told me to cover for her and not call unless it was an emergency."

"She never told me that." Barba took a sip of iced tea.

"You surprised?"

That she didn't tell me?" No, not at all, because I would have told her not to miss the meeting on my account." Barba smiled, and took another sip of iced tea."

"Too early for scotch?"

"Much, this iced tea is Liv's recipe."

"I didn't know she had a recipe for anything." Barba laughed and Fin continued speaking. "Amanda said Liv would have come to the funeral too, but she didn't belong there. I was close to my grandparents too, every good grandparent had a great story about how you know when you find the one. My grandpa told me when he met my grandmother, he head her voice, and he knew she was his home. He said she had the voice of an angel."

Barba took another sip of tea. "Every good grandparent has a story about the soul mate, the other half of the soul. You think Liv was ever told a story like that?"

"She was probably told if you meet someone you know you can love, who loves you back, hit him over the head with a pot, and it's lid, then call for backup. Be careful Barba, don't be late, and don't tell Liv I got all sappy. I have my reputation. I didn't mind tracking you down here because Liv is like my sister, but don't make me do it again. Remember 9." Fin got up from the table. Barba was not upset that Liv was now asking to be fixed up. Now, he knew what to do, and he knew exactly what was going on. He had to prepare for tonight the way he prepared for the courtroom.


	21. Chapter 21

Rafael took a deep breath, and paused before knocking softly on Olivia's door. It was 8:55, but he had been waiting outside her building since 8:30. When there was no answer he rang the bell. He heard movement from inside her apartment, and about a minute later he heard her voice, from her tone he could tell she was rushing around. "One minute Please!" She called. He continued to hear movement. A few moments later she called, " Who is it?"

"Liv, it's me" Barba said knowing that she would recognize his voice, he saw she still looked through the peephole. He heard some more movement, a few moments later he head her opening the locks on the door. Hesitantly she opened the door, and his breath caught. She was dressed in a strapless black dress, that traveled down just touching her knees. The dress fabric looked soft. He caught himself imagining kissing her. Olivia Benson was the most breathtaking woman in the Universe, and beyond to Rafael Barba, Even he was not used to seeing her dressed the way she was. He was used to pant suites with jackets. He was used to her jeans and sweaters, he was used to her jogging suits now. He saw her in a dress before at work a few times but each time there were puffy sleeves, and more dress. The night she was attacked didn't count. She was hurt in that dress, and embarrassed. She chose this dress for herself, not for work. She didn't need make-up, but it was applied perfectly.

"Barba." She said quickly, shock filled her voice and face. "What are you doing here?"

"Are you going to let me in?" His eyes locked with hers, and she was silent. "Liv are you going to let me in?" He repeated. She blinked.

"What... sure... but I'm going out any minute". Barba nodded. Slowly, Olivia stepped away from the door, and he entered. He locked the door, and took a deep breath.

"So Olivia he said as he turned away from the door to face her. She was several feet away from him. "Why do I get the feeling you're running away from me?"

"I'm not."

"Oh really? I saw you this morning in the courthouse after the verdict. You literally ran from me. I was going to buy you a cup of coffee."

"I'm sorry if it locked that way, I had things to do." He followed her eyes to the sofa, and there he saw a black shawl, she must of forgotten to drape over her shoulders before answering the door.

"Are you upset with me?" He asked. Olivia could see he didn't buy her answer.

"No." She said softly.

Barba nodded, and started to walk toward her. He had a look in his eyes, she remembered well. That day he asked if she was upset with him, he didn't buy her answer then either. He walked toward her, not giving up, and asked if she was disenchanted with him. She remembered looking down, and being thankful she had been standing behind her desk. It kept her safe. Now, there was no desk to separate them. "I got your note this morning." She backed away a little.

"Can we talk about it later?"

She looked away from his intense green eyes. He continued. "It was so formal. Barba, not Dear Barba, and a colon after my name, not even a comma."

"Now your judging my writing skills. I gotta go, I'm waiting downstairs, you have to leave." She said quickly walking to the sofa and picking up her shawl.

Olivia walked toward the front door, but Barba stood in one place. She had almost every lock on the door unlocked before she heard his voice again. "What's your plan?"

Olivia turned to see him walking toward her again. "Excuse me?" These eyes were filled with such determination, it was a look she knew well. Sometimes that look rendered her speechless, but in the past she was able to cover it up.

"What's your plan?" You're going to go out in that dress, with some guy, some stranger. You're going to make him fall in love with you."

"I'm going out to dinner Barba, I have no master plan to make anyone fall in love with me!" I'm not running. Have you gone crazy? I'm sorry I was busy today, I don't want to fight with you."

"I'm not fighting with you, Olivia.

"I feel like I'm on the stand, and I'm not dressed for court. She said trying to lighten the mood. Rafael Barba was such a brilliant serious man, few knew he had a sense of humor, and could make her laugh whenever he wanted. Her heart sank when she didn't see even a hint of a smile. "I'm sorry, I owe you a coffee everyday for the next 3 months." Barba's phone rang, he took it out of his pocket, he picked it up on the 3rd ring.

"Mami I can't talk right now No, she'll be Ok. I'm with her now. You called her today? I know, don't worry, I'm taking care of it." He hang up the phone. The truth was he only picked it up to give Olivia a break, she looked so beautiful, but so uncomfortable standing in one spot in those sexy shoes.

Just as he thought Olivia took the opportunity to move away. The shawl was wrapped around her shoulders. She sat on the sofa and he followed. He sat beside her, she now had one shoe off and was massaging her right angle. "Whoever made these shoes should be charged with a crime." Olivia said trying to make him laugh again. She quickly glanced at him, while putting the shoe back on. He wasn't laughing and her heart was gripped with guilt. "Congratulations on the verdict, that was a great closing argument". Barba said nothing, but Olivia could tell he was thinking about what to say. She looked away from him, that same determination was in his eyes, and a part of her was relieved. "I'm changing these shoes. This guy Fin wanted to fix me up with is at least 15 minutes late He's probably not even showing up." She put her hands on her lap, and stood. She put one heeled foot in front of the other. She looked in the direction of her bedroom. "Ah" She yelled, falling, and trying to catch herself, then she felt Barba catch her. "Dam shoe!" She felt his arm wrap around her waist. What a grip, he had. For a moment she wanted to fall backward into him, but she couldn't. Get a grip Olivia, she thought to herself. "Thanks", she said. "You can let go."

"You have your balance?."

"Yeah, I'll be right back."

"If Mr. amazing shows up while you're changing, you want me to say I'm your brother?"

"Trust me he's not Mr. amazing, and he's rude. Tell him what you want." Barba smiled, but she didn't see it. He let her go for now, and watched her walk into her bedroom. He sat on the sofa and waited for her.


	22. Chapter 22

Olivia emerged from her bedroom 5 minutes later. She held the shawl in her hand, and she wore black flats. She draped the shawl over the sofa. Rafael thought she was going to sit back down with him, but instead she stood next to the sofa. Barba looked on the coffee table, sitting there was a file. He picked it up. "Reading material for your hot date?"

"I don't have a hot date, and I wasn't going to bring the file with me."

"Oh, how romantic to go over the details of a rape right before a date. You always do that?"

"What can I say I'm a workaholic, you know that. Don't judge me, I'm sure you've been tempted to bring work on a date."

"My work has always been more entertaining than the date until recently."

"See?"

"I haven't been dating officially for a very long time" How come I didn't know about this hot date? Why didn't you mention it? "

"Because it's nothing, I knew it would be nothing. I don't have a hot date, it isn't even a date. Besides Fin wouldn't fix me up with someone on the job. It's not something I would even have to disclose. A girl has to eat, that's all. Fin got a girlfriend, I told you that, and all of a sudden he wants to be a matchmaker. The only thing funnier than Fin being a matchmaker is Munch being a matchmaker."

"You know if you didn't agree to a "date" sometime people would start to talk." Rafael got up from the couch and stood in font of her, he saw she backed up a little. "You're right a girl has to eat, especially if she didn't eat all day, and she hasn't had her coffee."

"I didn't tell you that." "Fin!" Olivia said, her brown eyes going wide.

"I was here at 9 Olivia, before 9, I'm not rude, and no one stood you up." Rafael said, the same determination in his voice as was in his eyes. She turned away from him and began to pace.

"How long has he had this planned?"

"Not long, I don't think. When he first spoke to you, he had someone else in mind, but he thought better of it."

"Oh, he thought better of it! He had no right!" She ran to her phone and started dialing.

"Olivia please, don't call him now. He was looking out for you. If you call him now, you will say something you'll regret. I know you. At the words I know you she stopped dialing her cell phone, and dropped it gently on the counter. She turned to face him, but didn't speak for a moment her eyes were locked with his. "Fin couldn't do this on his own. You! You agreed to this! Why did you agree with this plan, this set-up? You didn't need to do this, you didn't need to set me up!"

"I needed to speak to you, and you wouldn't have picked up the phone."

"Maybe not today", she admitted turning away from him again and pacing.

"Why not today Olivia? The note?"

"I'm not talking about that note now. I'm sorry I left it. You have no idea."

"Fair enough. "My mother asked you if you knew anyone at work you could fix her up with. You said, and I quote, you don't want to date a cop why?"

"Oh you're good, you just asked another question to get the answer to your first question".

"Thank-you, now please answer."

"Ok fine. because we're messes, all of us cops, all of us SVU cops are messes. Your mother does not deserve to deal with a mess of a man. I would think you would agree with me on that. I'm done answering questions, I'm not a witness on the stand right now!" She stopped pacing, and looked in his direction, careful not to stare into his eyes.

He was glad she stopped pacing, and slowly he walked toward her. He stood in front of her, and she didn't move to escape. "Olivia" he said gently with conviction. "If you talked to me this morning I would have been able to tell you. I'm glad I was there. Never be sorry with me Olivia. You didn't talk to me through, you ran."

"I didn't, I had to get Noah off to school, I had no time." She answered quickly.

"Don't do that, don't use Noah as an excuse."

"He's not an excuse, he's my son."

"I know and understand that, but when it comes to me, you use him as an excuse. You have for years."

"I don't do that. I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm sorry if it appears that way..." Rafael didn't say anything for a long moment. He just stared at her as though he was looking deep into her soul. Was this going to be the moment he walked away? Was the moment coming when he would say, you and I are done talking and mean it? She took a breath in, and then she heard his voice.

"Did I hurt you?"

"What?"

"I need to know if I hurt you in any way."

"No, no Raffa."

"I didn't think so, but I had to ask."

"No you didn't hurt me."

"You laid on top of me, and in my arms all night, I held you. Nothing physical happened between us. I would never try to take advantage of you. You could have woken me up, you know by now I'm a light sleeper. It took you more time to write that note than it would have to talk to me. What were you afraid of Olivia?"

"I'm not afraid." She answered softly. She wanted to run away from this conversation, but she was so relived he was speaking again. "I didn't wake you because I didn't want to have this conversation. I should have woken you, but I was ashamed."

"You have nothing to be ashamed of?"

"Before I showed up at your office, I was almost sure if I closed my eyes, I would have a nightmare. I felt it coming on. I felt it in my gut. So I went to your office seeking you out, knowing you would be there if it happened, if I was right, and I was."

"And what's wrong with that?"

"I came to you knowing that I was a mess. I don't want you to always see me falling apart. It's not your job to deal with me, it's mine."

"Hey don't do that."

"What?"

"You know what. Deal with you? You make yourself sound like a listen to me, you are not falling apart. You didn't wake me because you didn't want to be comforted? You didn't want a conversation like this?" Rafael rolled his eyes "Ay, me vuelves loco mujer." He mumbled under his breath. Olivia understood what that meant, you drive me drive me crazy woman.

"So I've been told." She almost whispered. He stepped closer to her, he was almost touching her.

"Olivia" he said softly, almost seductively "Why have you been avoiding me?" She backed away, and ran to the kitchen, happy she no longer had heels on. He watched as she prepared coffee, looking intently at the coffee maker. "Please answer the question." He said after a moment

"I did", she answered, looking at the coffee maker. "I said I don't use Noah as an excuse. You just rephrased the question."

"Happy you noticed."

"You know Counselor I can interrogates you too."

"Go ahead Lieutenant, I'm an open book to you, so I don't think it would be much of an interrogation. You know I'm going to keep asking until I get the truth. Why did you avoid me today?"

"That I was very clear about. I told you I didn't want this conversation. I felt embarrassed."

Yes, but you're holding something back, and you know it."

His eyes were on her, following her every movement as she opened an upper cabinet, and retrieved a bottle of familiar liquid. She placed it on the counter in front of her, closed the cabinet, and opened another. She could feel his intense stare and she knew she would have to look at him some time. She moved slowly, taking out a glass, and closing the cabinet, it had been in. She slowly placed the glass next to the bottle. He watched as she exhaled. "Do you want some scotch?"

"Olivia." He almost growled.

She turned to face him. "We're getting too close alright!"

Relive washed over Rafael Barba at her words and her tone. He didn't remember feeling this much relief in his life. He wanted so badly to smile at her, but he knew now was not the time. Now. he had to be the smart, and collected man he was in the courtroom, there would be plenty of time for smiles. He knew if he lightened the mood now, it would take even longer for him to express his heart. He couldn't let her off the hook. He understood more now what was going on with her. "You don't drink scotch."

"I know I don't." She looked away again, took the bottle and poured some scotch into the glass. "You do. I stopped at the store before I came home, and picked some up."

"We're not getting too close."

She quickly turned her head, and her eyes briefly met his. She left the kitchen, she didn't care about the coffee, she needed space away from those soulful eyes. She ran to the sofa. He slowly followed. "Yes we are!"

"No we're not" He said getting closer to her.

"We're walking a fine line Barba, we're getting to the point where we will have to disclose something, and I don't even know what we would disclose!"

"Since I've known you, you never had a problem getting close to people you work with." He regretted the way the words came out, he was trying to make an important point. She stared at him, her month was slightly open

Her phone rang at that moment and she ran to answer it. "Benson" She said into the phone. "Munch is Noah in the room with you? He's brushing his teeth. Good. John Munch you knew about this didn't you? Don't give me that, you know what I'm talking about. You said you wanted to babysit, but I should've known there was a reason you insisted on tonight. No I won't relax. When have you ever known me to relax John? No, I'm not putting you on speaker phone. Again, Munch I will not relax Why did you have to go work with the DA's office? John I'm fine, no I don't need to relax. John Munch I'm not asking Barba that. No, I'm not letting you ask Barba that question!"

"Is Noah done brushing his teeth?" Thank-you."

Barba's eyes never left Olivia, and she felt it. She nervously shifted from one foot to the other as she waited for her son to come to the line. "Noah" she finally said. "Are you having fun with Munch? I'm so glad! You saw Ken's baby. "Cool! Barba? Noah I love you, you need to go to bed soon ok?" Olivia sighed. "Hold on my boy. She walked back to Barba, and quickly handed him the phone. "Noah wants to talk to you." She said softly, trying to keep her voice light, and calm.

Barba took the phone, he tried to meet her eyes but she wouldn't let him. She walked slowly across the room. "Noah, Mi amigo! She's alright, I promise. I'm trying to make her smile. Yes, we'll finish the book and I'll help you with the train." Barba saw Olivia's eyes were on him. He could tell she wanted to grab the phone from his hand, but she didn't move. "Yes I'll teach you. Good night Noah. Barba paused, and Olivia knew he was listening intently by the look on his face. "Buenas noches. Ok"." He said listening for a moment. "Munch How are you?" At the sound of these words Olivia moved quickly toward him, her right hand was raised. She held herself back from grabbing the phone, and he was happy she was standing close to him again. "Yes, I will." He saw Olivia roll her eyes. "I know." He continued. "I know. I understand completely. He said making eye contact with Olivia, who looked away. I'm handing the phone back. Her eyes met his again and she took the phone from his outstretched hand.

"Munch?" she asked quickly walking farther away from Barba. "What did you say? Yeah, don't give me that. "What did you say?" She whispered. "You're not going to tell me. "Good night Sergeant." She answered sounding betrayed. She sighed. "See you tomorrow Sergeant Munch. She continued her voice softening. "Thank-you for taking care of Noah." She hang up the phone.


	23. Chapter 23

Rafael watched Olivia stare at the cell phone, she just hung up as through she was willing it to ring again. He stepped closer to her. "Liv", he said softly and carefully, feeling horrible about how his words came out before the phone interrupted them.

"I can't believe you just slut shamed me."

"Wait!" "He answered quickly.

"You know I expect that from a lot of people Barba, but not you."

"Wait a minute! Liv! I'm sorry for how my words came out, but you know I wasn't shaming you. You know it! How the words came out, that's not what I meant!"

"Oh No! What did you mean Barba? Since you know me I haven't had a problem getting close to people I work with!" She ran toward her kitchen and dropped the phone gently on the counter.

"For almost 7 years I have been asking you to spend time with me outside of work, and you have always said no, but you don't appear to have an issue spending time with others outside of work."

"You're not talking about my squad. You're talking about Tucker again, and Cassidy."

"Liv, please let me talk, let me explain."

"No, there's nothing to explain! I get it. You want to talk about every failed relationship I've ever had! Is that it?"

"No Liv. I want to know why you avoid me? What is it about me? I want to understand." Olivia walked toward the sofa, and began to pace in her living room. Barba followed behind her, knowing that eventually she would have to turn and look him in the eyes. The truth was Barba felt in his heart that he knew why she avoided him, but he wanted and needed to hear her words, he wanted to understand as much of her as humanly possible.

"We don't spend time together outside of work? What about when your grandmother died or when you had problems with Alex or when I wanted advice. None of that counts to you?"

"It all counts Olivia." Olivia sat on the sofa and sighed. Again, Barba followed, he sat next to her. She would not meet his eyes. They sat in silence for a long moment, Barba waiting for Olivia to speak, and Olivia searching for words. Barba was happy she hadn't asked him to leave.

"We've been spending a lot of time together."Olivia said softly. Barba was relived she broke the silence.

"More than ever." He said. "It's became a habit, a wonderful habit. It only took me 6 and a half years to get you to have dinner with me."

"It has to stop, we have to go back... We have to go back to the time when we just met. We just have to go back. We have to forget about all the dinners, late night talks, and weird sleepovers we've been having lately." Not for one second did Rafael Barba agree with her, but he wanted to see where she was going. The phone conversations with Noah and Munch had caught him a little off guard, but finally listening to her words the ADA in him was back.

"Why Olivia?" He asked in his courtroom voice. At the sound of his words Olivia got up quickly from the sofa, and walked a few feet away from him. Her back was to him, and her eyes were fixed on the wall in front of her.

"You know why." She answered softly.

We're walking a fine line?" Barba said, walking toward her.

"Yes." She almost whispered.

"And we're too close?" He was standing behind her, not too close. He didn't want her to run again.

"Yes."

"We're not too close."

"Yes we are! You care about your job Barba?"

"Please don't do that, don't hide behind the job, you know there are ways around that."

"Oh and I'm the expert on that right, seeing as how I get so close to people I work with?"

"Olivia you know that's not what I meant. You're scared of something, so you're trying to change the subject. You're avoiding me again, it's what you do."

"Avoiding you, you're standing in my apartment, feet away from me, and I haven't kicked you out. How am I avoiding you?"

"You won't look at me. You're trying to scare me off. Up until recently when I asked you to have a drink or dinner with me, you got this look on your face like you wanted to run. Sometimes, just before that look you smiled. Whenever I asked, you always looked caught off guard and confused, but I never saw you act that way with anyone else. That is what I was trying to say before you accused me of slut shaming."

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that." She whispered. Barba heard her voice crack. He just wanted to turn her around, make her face him, and wrap his arms around her, but he couldn't, not until she was ready.

"I know. You're on the defensive Liv, you spend a lot of time there. I get it, I spend a lot of time there too but why with me? Don't you know by now no matter what I'm always on your side? We don't always agree, we don't have to, but I am always on your side, I'm always in your corner, I always have your back."

"Me too, I'm always here for you Raffa. I hope you know that."

I do Liv. I see it." He stepped a little closer to her. "So what are you afraid of?"

"Nothing."

"That's bull!" I hope, you don't think I'm stupid enough to believe that.

"Of course not, you're Rafael Barba. You're brilliant. Don't you get it? We have to go back to when we first met, before all this, whatever it is. That way we can't lose each other. We can still run into each other without a plan, we can still work together, and have coffee together, but all the rest of it...

"Wait" Barba interrupted. slow down. "Why?"

"Stop asking me that please. You know why."

"Why?"

"I don't want to lose you... I can't OK?"

"Olivia you will not lose me ever!" He said quickly, in his ADA voice "You hear me?"

"Yeah, tell me that in 12 years, when you can't stand me anymore."


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is the first in a series. I will post Chapter 25 soon. I will start the 2nd part of this series in October. I think I will be posting another story which is not part of this series very soon! Thank-you for reading, thank-you so much for your time!

Rafael felt as though his heart dropped to his stomach. As prepared as he was for tonight's conversation, Olivia's words caught him off guard, and filled him with pain for her. Her honest unguarded words also filled him with hope, and he was sure this conversation was what she needed, and what they needed. Every time he opened himself up to her he felt better and he wondered if she knew that, he wondered if that was what scared her. He knew at some point Stabler would come up yet again.

He didn't know that much about the man, Olivia didn't like to talk about him. He knew that Stabler disappeared after a 12 year partnership, He heard little conversations once in awhile between Fin and Munch, but these conversations never took place in front of Olivia, as far as Barba knew Olivia was not aware of these conversions. Barba got the impression that Fin didn't always like Stabler or at least how he treated Olivia. Without missing a beat Barba stepped closer to her and spoke. "You won't lose me Liv. I'm not going anywhere, and that I will tell you 12 years from now, 20 years from now, whenever you need to hear it!" He heard Olivia's breath catch in surprise at his words. Barba waited for more of a response, he wanted to be sure all his heartfelt words sank in.

"Rafael" She whispered his name as through it were part of a prayer, he never head her use that beautiful tone before. "I'm sorry that I hurt you today by running, just leave me. "You don't need this. I would never purposely hurt you. I hope you know that."

"Olivia Benson did you hear what I said? I'm not leaving you ever! You need to hear it In Spanish, Italian, French?"

"I told you before it's not you're job to deal with me, to put up with me. I'm responsible for myself." Olivia voice cracked.

"You are not a problem to be dealt with Liv, Who made you feel that way?"

"It doesn't matter. Just leave me, it's ok."

"No and it does matter Olivia, please look at me." He pleaded. She wanted to, but at that moment she couldn't, her eyes were full of tears, if she looked into his eyes they would fall. If they fell, she wasn't sure they would ever stop. When he saw she wasn't going to turn around he continued using his courtroom voice. "So let me get this straight you want to go back to when we first met, but we can still have coffee, and work together.

"Yes." Olivia answered softly.

"Do I always have to call you Benson, or Lieutenant Benson?"

"No of course not."

"Oh because I just want to understand the new rules. Will you still call me Rafael or Raffa, or will it always be Barba? I just want you to see how ridiculous you sound."

"It's not ridiculous if it keeps us in each others lives, You don't know how difficult I can be."

"Oh I don't! You know these rules don't work for me, and they don't work for you. I won't play by them, I'll just make excuses to see you everyday, just like you make excuses to come to my office now."

"I don't do that and eventually you'll get sick of me. Everybody leaves, and I don't blame them, that's just the way it is."

Barba took a deep breath before continuing. "Well there's a first time for everything. I'm not leaving." He paused to let his words sink into her stubborn brain, heart, and soul. After a moment he spoke again, happy he prepared for tonight the same way he prepared for the courtroom. "Stabler left without a word to you after 12 years."

"I'm not talking about him."

"You told me you wouldn't talk about him at the station, we're not at the station now.

"Stabler has nothing to do with this."

"He does Olivia, you brought him up, I think you need to talk about it. He left after 12 years without one word correct?"

"Yes."

"You loved him."

"I told you he was my friend."

"I understand, and you trusted him."

"Yes, I trusted him, he was my partner. I defended him, I almost laid down my life for him, so that he could go home to his family. That's what partners have to do for each other sometimes."

"I understand, you loved him."

"I told you if my feelings ever went beyond friendship, it was because he was my friend. I never slept with him, I never tried to sleep with him. I didn't try to make him fall in love with me."

"I understand. He was married, and you're too moral for that. I know you."

"I'm glad, I was afraid you were going to say I had a master plan to make him fall in love with me. I didn't.

"I understand, I really do. He was married. He had 5 children, you would never have an affair with him, he was off limits. Like you, I would never go after someone who was married. However, you still loved him. You still trusted him, and he let you down."

"He's a good man."

"I didn't say he wasn't. I think he sometimes used your feelings against you."

"You're wrong counselor, drop it."

"On the other hand" Barba paused before slowly speaking again. "I think you liked pining for him."

Olivia turned around. She was facing him now her eyes blazing with a mixture of shock, anger and something else he could not idenifity yet.

"Excuse me? I don't have to tell you anything! You are so out of line right now, but let's get one thing straight I've never pined for anyone!"

"It was nice and safe. He was married. He couldn't offer you all of himself, so you knew you would never have to give all of yourself. You weren't his first priority. He had a family, and you took whatever crumbs he throw your way, and those crumbs made you feel less alone... sometimes."

"Drop it. Please. Barba I don't want to fight with you. I know sometimes it seems like I do. I drive you crazy when I'm on to something, when I'm trying to get a warrant, I know sometimes we only get what we need to catch a dangerous predator because you trust me, even when you disagree, and I'm glad you're not afraid to let me know it. I know when we work together we go back and forth, but I hate the feeling I get when we really argue, when you are honestly angry, disenchanted with me." Olivia turned quickly away from him. She stared at the wall.

Barba was stunned but he couldn't let it show, he took a deep breath and wished Olivia was staring into his eyes instead of the wall, he knew at the moment she wouldn't look at him. "I have never been disenchanted with you nor will I ever be disenchanted with you. It won't happen. Why don't you know that? You see everything else Olivia. Why don't you see that? You think I came here to fight with you? I came here to fight for you."

"What are you talking about?" She asked, slowly shifting from foot to foot.

"I came here to fight for you! Olivia, I love you!"


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At the end of this chapter you will find the title of the next story in this series.

Olivia gasped softly and quickly turned at Barba's words. She was now facing him. He studied her face, trying to read her every emotion correctly. He backed away a little to give her room, she looked like she was getting ready to bolt. Her eyes were wide with shock, terror and some other emotions he could not name yet. he wanted so badly to continue, but he needed to hear her response first. He watched as she struggled in silence for what felt like an eternity. Suddenly as through some of her training kicked in, she regained some of her control, there was fire in her eyes, and he was glad. She was on the defensive again, but Barba knew he was ready. She was trying to build more walls around herself and calling upon every defense mechanism she had at her disposal. She found her voice. "Take it back!" She said walking toward him and staring into his green eyes.

"No!"

"Take it back!"

"No!" "I love you." He repeated keeping eye contact. She stopped walking toward him, she stood still staring at him, unable to look away. He took one step toward her

"Take it back now Barba!"

Barba chuckled. "You sound like a 5 year old right now." He said.

"Yeah well I spend a lot of time with a 5 year old. Take it back."

"So you can pretend it was never said? So you can pretend it's not true?" He took 2 baby steps closer to her.

"I mean it, take it back!"

"I'm not leaving you, and I'm never taking it back."

"Barba I'm not joking."

"Do I look like I'm joking?"

"You can't say things like that to me."

"I did. What are you going to do about it Lieutenant?"

"Barba, you need to take it back right now." She said, her voice soft and shaking. He shook his head in a no motion, and took another step toward her. A part of her wanted to look away from him, the way she had so many times in her office. A part of her wanted to run again. This part of her was the part of her that unusually won out, the part of her that was responsible for most of her decisions, but to her surprise despite that look in Rafael Barba's green eyes, she found herself slowly walking to him. "You don't know what you're saying. Just take it back."

"Oh I know exactly what I'm saying." Barba answered in his take charge courtroom voice. "I know you Olivia Benson, and I love you. That is never going to change." He wanted to reach out, and grab her hand, but it was not the time.

"Stop saying things like that to me now." She wanted to scream that he didn't know her, but that would be an insulting lie. She was running out of words she could say truthfully. She was running out of arguments. She knew Rafael Barba as much as he know her. She knew he was not out of arguments, and never would be, because he cared, and that was one of the many ways he showed it. She took a step back, he took a step forward, and there was that look of determination in his eyes that she knew so well, and loved.

"Te Quiero Olivia."" He said gently. He heard her inhale softly. He was holding her gaze. He wanted to wrap his arms around her, he needed to show her he could be her protector, and he would.

Olivia thought about taking another step toward him, but instead she put her right hand up in front of her. "Don't" She said, her voice was shaking, and she sounded like she was on the verge of tears.

"Olivia Mi Amor!" He yelled excitedly with a smile. With that Olivia was off like a shot running back into her small kitchen, she thought of running outside into the street without a word, but she didn't want to worry him like she did weeks ago. He slowly walked in her direction.

"I... I need coffee." She said remembering she made before, around the time she poured Barba a scotch. "You've lost it Barba." She said nervously.

"I should call your mother."

Barba chuckled "Go ahead, tell her I'm confessing my undying love for you. See what says. I'm sure in the future there will be times when she agrees with you over me, but this is not one of these times." Of course Olivia was kidding and trying to regain control of the conversation. As nervous as he was making her, she couldn't help smiling at his response, she was glad he was still in her living area. As long as she faced her coffee maker, he could not see her face. She moved an inch to grab the coffee pot. She began to lift it when she felt his presence behind her. "Here I got it. Let me help you Liv."" He could see she was tired, and nervous, and not eating all day didn't help. She placed the pot down, backed away from the counter a little, and allowed him to pour coffee into a mug.

She moved to a barstool, and Barba placed the mug in front of her. She gave him a small grateful smile before taking a small sip of the much needed coffee. She needed energy even if it was only caffeine induced to continue this conversation. Olivia did not want this conversation, it was scary, but she didn't want to ask Barba to leave. She knew he would never drop it, and she was comforted by that fact. After 3 sips from the mug she took it away from her lips but she continued to hold it. "Who are you and what have you done with Rafael Barba?" Rafael moved to pour himself some coffee. He stood across from her. In this spot he had a very good view of her face, even if she tried to hide behind her coffee mug.

"What do you mean? I'm right here Liv, I've been here for almost 7 years." She took a sip of coffee trying to hide her eyes, and giving herself time to formulate an answer. She could feel his eyes studying her.

After several moments, she put the mug down, and spoke. "No where's the Barba, I know who only cares about winning cases?"

"Did you ever think that's all I was about? He said hurt in his voice.

"No" Olivia answered quickly sorry for the way her words came out the second she said them. "That came out wrong. First of all I'm so thankful you love winning cases Rafael. You fight for the victims who need justice to heal. I'm glad you stayed with SVU. I didn't think you would. When I first heard of you I heard you were an ambitious shark in the courtroom, who did whatever it took to win. I thought you were just using SVU as a stepping stone, and that was fine with me because I heard you were so good at your job, no matter what the case. I knew of you as the guy who got a conviction for the rape of a prostitute. That's very hard to do. I just meant... Where is the Barba I know, the man who doesn't have time for anything other then his career? You love your work, the Rafael Barba I know isn't interested in a personal life. Before I met you Harris said you were perfect for that high-profile case. He said "Rafael Barba the guy's got big brass... ego."

"Excuse me?" These were the words used to describe me right before we started working together?"

Olivia picked up her mug, hiding her eyes. "Yes. Harris and I didn't get off on the best foot, but I think he wanted my approval. At first he didn't like me because I didn't mind telling him I had more experience with SVU, than he did."

Barba smiled, and quickly finished his coffee. He placed his mug down on the counter, and then he made sure his eyes were locked with hers. "So Benson, did you approve?"

"You're great at your job Barba, the best. I just don't understand where all this romantic energy is coming from? Why don't you take it and use it on Yelina, I'm sure that marriage is over. I'm sure it went to hell fast. She's beautiful.

"Have you looked in the mirror? I don't want Yelina."

"Look Lauren Sullivan up."

"I don't want her. but I am flattered you remember all of this. I was infatuated with Yelina, I dated her when we were young, very young, and then Alex turned her head, and that's fine now Liv, because they were always good together. She and I never would have worked out, and Lauren, she has nothing on you. I know exactly what you're doing. How many times do I have to explain to you that pushing me away won't work?"

"You said you were loyal weeks ago, but didn't you criticize your friend Eddie for being loyal? Face it Rafael you don't want to be tied down."

"You're grasping at straws Liv. I don't think you really believe that do you? Running out of arguments? For the record you know I don't have a problem with loyalty. Eddie chose to be loyal to the wrong person. He fell for her fast, he wanted to settle down. She wanted to party. She left her kids, and is doing just that in Miami."

"That's not his fault by the way." Olivia replied.

"No you're right, but Eddie knew her, he thought he could change her."

"That's always a mistake. She drained her coffee mug, placed it down, and sighed. It was silent for a few moments. Olivia was searching for words. "You can never change someone." She finally said.

"Agreed"

"I'm getting some more coffee."

"You sure?"

"Yes, stop trying to take care of me."

"Because you can take care of yourself?"

"Yes I can, I always have."

"Everyone needs someone Liv, deep down you know that." He quickly poured another cup of coffee, and placed it in front of her before she could protest.

"You're a very capable man Barba. Who do you need?"

"Considering everything I've said tonight, I'm surprised you're asking, but I'll answer, because I told you I'm an open book to you. I mean it. You, Olivia. I need you. Come on, is this a complete shock to you? You're a trained detective."

"You don't need me, the only man who needs me is Noah, and when he is a man, he won't."

"That's not true, and it's so sad if you actually believe it. Noah will need you because you are his mother, and yes I need you. Since I've known you, you have been there for me. You said it Liv. You were there when my abuela died.

"Anyone would have done that Rafael."

"I didn't need anyone! I needed you, and you were there. After talking to Fin, I realized you rearranged your whole day for me the day of her funeral. I should have thought of that sooner, but she and I were so close, I was lost and consumed with guilt. I wasn't thinking clearly."

"I just wanted to take the pain away. All I did was sit with you."

"I know, you helped in a way no one else could Liv. Lately I think you see me as someone taking care of you, and you don't think you've done enough for me. Am I right?"

"I haven't done enough for you, I've been a mess, and you... you have been there every step of the way, not just now, but for years. You're the voice in my head, that's why I couldn't stop thinking about what you said along time ago now. Not everything done in the dark is shameful. How do you always know exactly what to say around me?" Olivia whispered. She took a sip of coffee. "I was wrong to show up at your apartment. That's what started all this... confusion I should know better, we're friends, but I've always been professional."

"Olivia, I suppose it would surprise you to know that I have loved you for years. By the time that first case ended, I couldn't stop thinking about you." Olivia quickly put her mug down He watched as her brown eyes grew wide. She could feel herself blush, and she wished that mug was hiding her face. He smiled, his green eyes seemed to dance.

Stop it, Barba You're freaking me out."

"I know. I do that a lot don't I?" Her mouth opened but she did not speak. "I knew you were special the second I met you, and then you opened your mouth and spoke in my office. First, you challenged me when you said "I thought you won cases everybody else ducks." By the time we interviewed the victim together I knew I was a goner. You're so gorgeous, inside and out, and I don't think you know that deep down You think most people have the same kind of heart as you, but they don't. My mother who loves me thought no one could capture my heart, but you did more than that. Olivia you are my heart. I'm so thankful that you came into my life. You have no idea how hard it was to see with someone else, and always someone so far beneath you."

"Beneath me?"

"Yes, beneath you. You head me. Earlier tonight you said. that if you went out with Mr. Amazing, you wouldn't have to disclose it. Now, why would you make a point of saying that?"

"Here we go again." Olivia said, rolling her eyes. "I told you before because Fin would never fix me up with someone I work with, that used to be his policy. It doesn't matter I didn't even want to go out with the guy tonight or any other night. I don't like telling you about my relationships, and if I dated a civilian I wouldn't have to."

"I don't blame you, if I were you I wouldn't want anyone to know I was in a relationship with Cassidy or Tucker.

"Brian's a nice guy, It's complicated." It was now Barba's turn to roll his eyes. "Somehow I doubt that, but please enlighten me"

"Fine, I met Brian when I started working SVU. I remember we were working on a difficult case, the kind that stays with you. A few of us decided to stop for a drink. Stabler stayed for awhile, but he had to get home. Brian moved over to sit next to me. I was lonely, and I had a little too much to drink, so did he, but I trusted him not to rape me, so I let one thing lead to another. He wanted more from me, I guess, I didn't. We worked together and, because I was lonely, I went against my policy, and I regretted it. I tried to let him down easy, like Stabler suggested, He wasn't happy with that. About 6 months later I was getting ready for a date at my desk, Brain was at the desk next to me. He was upset. He said one day I would marry someone, I'll never forget this. He said... "as long as you have this job, your marriage will be an affair. It got to me." Fast forward 13 years later a little before you came to SVU, he got shot, you know that. I got emotional, he yelled for me to get back, and he went down. When I saw he was going to be ok, I wanted to prove that I changed."

"You felt guilty, you rejected him?"

"Ever since he said any marriage I may have would be an affair because of the job."

"He was wrong for saying that."

"I thought so. When he said it he just wanted sex. He was mad, but he was right." She said softly.

"Don't say that, he was wrong. 13 years later, you tried to make things work out of guilt? What a love story. Do tell me more. He's a real man, a real charmer. Barba said sarcastically."

"I didn't say he was the love of my life. I never thought he was."

"What did he do for you besides make you feel guilty?"

"I didn't want anything from him, but he was there sometimes... sort of..."

"Keep talking, Liv. You're making my case for me."

"I always do." Olivia answered trying to lighten the mood.

He smiled. "Don't try to change the subject." Olivia got off her barstool, and slowly walked back to her living room. She looked behind her to make sure he was following her and he found it so endearing. He did follow behind her and watched as she paced for a moment before stopping. He walked to her, and made eye contact.

Olivia could see the wheels turning in Rafael's head, and she wondered what he was trying to get at. "I don't like this line of questioning counselor, but I'll go along with it because I'm curious. I thought I could make it work with Brian. We were both on the job, and we both had crazy schedules, I thought our lives could fit. We hardly saw each other and that was fine. You met him."

"He's a brat, I wasn't impressed."

Olivia sighed, and her eyes filled with sadness. She looked like she was trying to decide weather to tell him something. Barba did have a reason for all his questions about her past. He was not trying to hurt her, he hoped in this moment she understood that. He had a good idea of where he was going with his line of questioning, and if Olivia gave him unexpected information he would roll with it, just like he did when his cases took twists and turns. "Liv?" He said gently. He could hear breathe softly. She looked down, breaking eye contact. She looked at her hands. He was about to say her name again, when he heard her speak.

"You know when Stabler was on the job, people always asked him why he chose to work in the unit. Most who are chosen to work SVU don't last, even the DA's don't last, and beg for transfers. Stabbler used to tell people he thought that sex should be a joyful, and even sacred part of life." She picked her head, and met his eyes. "Leave it to a Catholic boy to say something like that." She gave him a weak smile, like the one she gave him when his grandmother was ill. That day he asked her what she would be doing at 85. Now, he smiled back at her, the same way he did that day after she made that comment which seemed to warm his heart. Olivia loved that smile. She loved every one of Rafael Barba's many smiles.

"In your line of work, Liv, I'm sure you have run into many Catholic boys." Barba replied, he hated that he saw so much sadness in her eyes. He smiled at her again, he wanted to put her at ease.

His smiled warmed Olivia's heart, but she had to look away from these eyes or she would not have the strength to continue. "Anyway, he told people that nobody should ever taint that joy by using the act of sex as a weapon. He said sex was supposed to be a natural, normal, healthy human act." She paused, and took a breath before continuing "Growing up I was never told that. One day I came home from school and my mother wasn't drunk. I was happy, until she sat me down for a sex talk."

"How old were you?"

"The first time, 12, a normal age, but getting a lecture by Professor Serena Benson about sex was not a pretty picture, and I learned that the lecture was anything but normal. That was the day she told me about the monster who raped her, and she told me that monster was my father. Then she explained the rules."

Rules? Barba questioned softly.

"Sex Rules according to Serena Benson. I remember she said "Olivia if you ever have to have sex be like a machine. Keep your emotions out of it. Look at the wall, look at the clock, stare into space if you have to, never get caught up in love, that's how you loose your control. Tune out, do what you have to do, and wait for it to be over. Always protect yourself."

"Liv?" Barba whispered. Once again his heart broke for her, the conversation her mother had with her explained so much.

Olivia met Barba's eyes. "Some of what she said was good advice, it's helped me to be a good cop, I do protect myself and on the job in dangerous situations I stay calm."

"Did you talk to anyone about this sex talk?

"No. I haven't thought about it in years. The only ones who know of this little talk are me, my mother, and now you. I thought I could make it work with Brian. Brian is ... simple. I always know what he wants. When I tell him I'm fine, he takes it no matter what and he drops it. He moves on.. He doesn't push, he doesn't want everything I am, he doesn't try to look into my heart... to look into my soul... Her voice trailed off.

"Like I do." Barba said in his courtroom voice.

"I know how to deal with most men, I know how to handle myself in all kinds of situations."

"You know how to control yourself, to control situations." Barba said. The wheels in his head were turning quickly. He was surprised with what she revealed, but honored she trusted him. He took a step closer to her and continued to listen intently. He was waiting to make his case.

"After Lewis I couldn't turn myself on and off like a robot, this was hard for Brian. The day that he left we had this huge argument. I told him I didn't want to talk about these 4 days, that I had worked all day and I just didn't have the energy. He got upset and said "But you tell Barba everything." I told him he was wrong that you were the DA, you needed to know some of the details. He didn't buy it. He started complaining about how many days during the trial I asked him not to be there in the courtroom. He told me he couldn't take it anymore, and he left. I wasn't surprised, I knew he couldn't handle it and he was stressed."

"Liv, pardon me for not cuing the violins for him. I don't care how stressed he was, you needed support."

"He was there. He wasn't used to dealing with me like that. I wouldn't let him touch me. He had needs.

"Oh please, what happened was traumatic for you, you're strong, but you shouldn't be expected to act like a robot, you're not a machine. you're human."

"I didn't want to talk to anyone about these 4 days, I still don't, but I realize I told you more than I had to. You had more than enough for the trial, but it was easier to talk to you. Some things I told you, I confided in you, because you're Rafael, not because you're the D.A."

"Liv, the day the verdict came in, I saw you go into the stairwell. I stayed very close, it took everything in me not follow you in. I knew Cassidy was close by, and I didn't want to get in the way. That day you had so much pressure, and I thought at the time that you wanted him to comfort you."

"I wish I knew that before, but I'm glad I know it now. Will you answer a question?" She almost whispered.

"I'm an open book." He answered and she smiled weakly.

"After Lewis killed himself, I went to IAB, Rita pulled me out quick. Did you send her?"

"I found out you were there. you had no business talking to them so quickly. You couldn't have been thinking clearly. I couldn't go myself, so I sent her. When I explained the situation, she said "Hell no!" She was off running."

"I thanked her for it so many times since."

"I know."

"So you were protecting me?"

"I always will." Olivia let out a sigh. and there in her eyes was the deep sadness.

"Tucker is a good guy too."

"Liv, I will never understand why you gave him the time of day."

"When I told you about Brian... you got this look in her eyes, it was so hard to tell you about him, and I didn't understand why, so I didn't tell you about Tucker." When you figured it out, you were so angry, and you got that look again. I wanted to explain things... but you had it all figured out. I didn't think you were ever going to speak to me again."

Liv, I was so angry, but I could never stop talking to you for very long. I knew that even at the height of my anger. I was hurt."

"I'm sorry, I was wrong but you weren't right about everything."

"I know, I'm sorry. I could have handled it better, I'm sorry."

"No that's not what I mean, you didn't have the details right. I was dating Tucker, but I wasn't sleeping with him. We went to Paris, Tucker reserved a room with one bed, and I thought I could do it. I thought I could do what I was expected to. I thought I could go into robot mode like I did in life before, but when I walked into the room, I knew I couldn't. I told him, we should eat, and I sent him down to the hotel restaurant. I told him I needed a few minutes to freshen up. When he was gone, I went down to the front desk and booked my own room down the hall."

"What did you tell him?"

"I told him that I wasn't ready, and he assumed my reasons were all about Lewis. He was disappointed, I could see it. I tried to make a joke, but he didn't laugh. He was miserable the entire trip."

"And you think that's all your fault?"

"I didn't say that. I dated him, because I was getting lonely, every time I went for a drink by myself, there he was, and he seemed very interested. I thought I could make that work because believe it or not when it comes to his personal life, Tucker doesn't ask many questions."

"So what you're saying is, if you were having a bad day, but you said you were fine, he would take it, he would drop it." Olivia nodded. "Olivia you see a pattern here? I do", he said taking 2 steps closer and gazing at her intently.

"I'm not a victim, I don't have a pattern. Stop looking at me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like the way you always look at me... like I'm."..

"Stop looking at you like you're the most gorgeous woman in the Universe? Stop looking at you like you're the love of my life?"

"Yes." She whispered. "How are you so calm?" Olivia turned to face the wall.

"I spent a long time fighting my feelings for you in the beginning, because I'm your friend, and we work together. One day I realized that it was stupid to fight it, I was being a fool. I decided I wasn't going to hide anymore. I'm not embarrassed or afraid of my feelings for you. I don't hide them now Liv. Ask anyone I know and they will tell you I love you. I do know you though, and I knew if I told you too much too fast you would run. Barba heard her breathe in softly.

"You say you didn't want to say too much too fast, so why now?"

"It was an emergency. Why did you decide to go out with Mr. Amazing tonight?"

"You know why. I told Fin I didn't want to be fixed up. This morning I woke up, I felt your arms still around me. I didn't want to move. I felt so safe, I looked around I remembered that I was in your office. I freaked out, I got up, I wrote, the note, I placed it on you, and I ran. I told you we're getting too close. Noah asks about you everyday, you read a story better than I do. I am just now getting to know your mother and already I talk to her more than I ever spoke to mine."

"Liv, I was told that you wanted to attend my abuela's funeral, but you didn't. Why?"

I didn't know your mother very well at all. I thought she would want to keep it small, family only. It wasn't my place to be there."

"I disagree."

"It wouldn't be the first time."

"You said before, that when you showed up at my apartment, you caused confusion. You did nothing wrong by coming to see me Olivia. In fact when you came to talk to me after work I knew my approach was working. That night you said, I told you not everything done in the dark is shameful. I remember that. You know what else I remember? I remember I walked up the courthouse steps, and I looked behind me. You looked at me, and you put your hand over your heart. I wanted so badly to run down these steps, throw my arms around you, and kiss you. I fell in love with you all over again. I also remember a few days before that, you tracked me down, and you got me to tell you about Marianna, and Ashtonja Abreu. I never told anyone about that situation."

"You had to talk for your own good, I made you talk." Olivia whispered. She could feel tears in her eyes again.

Barba sighed loudly. He took one step closer to her. He placed both hands on her shoulders. "You're right, I'm glad I opened up to you. Sometimes, even you have to open up Mi Amor."

"I know, but I'm fine, please let's just stop this conversation right now."

"Olivia, you will not lose me. "That's not all you're afraid of though is it?" He asked, his voice dipping down. He heard her breathe in. He wished he could see her eyes. "I make you feel too deeply? I make you feel too much? You're afraid of the way I look at you? I make you feel safe? His hands were still on her shoulders and he felt them relax. " Good. You can't turn yourself on and off like a switch with me."

"I can try." She said, her voice shaking.

"Please don't."

"We've worked together for almost 7 years Barba . I do it all the time"

"Please look at me?"

"What do you want from me Rafael? You know that I care about you right? You know that... I... that I love you. I'd take a bullet for you. You have to know that."

Rafael was shocked, he had not expected her to tell him she loved him tonight. His heart filled with joy and excitement, and a calm all at once. "You would take a bullet for most people." Rafael's felt Olivia body move. She was now facing him, and watching him gaze at her.

"What do you want from me Rafael Barba?" She asked softly.

"You would take a bullet for almost anyone. I know you would lay down your life for me, and that terrifies me. I want you to remember that, when you're out there trying to save the world Olivia. I don't want you to die for me. I want you to live a life with me. I know you're afraid of loving me. I know you're afraid of my mother. You're afraid to get close to her also. We're not too close Olivia, we're not close enough. I could never be too close to you. I am different, you have been around people who are there only when it's convenient for them, and you have accepted whatever they throw your way. Olivia that's not good enough. You deserve the best I'm not Stabler, Cassidy or anyone else. "You are my best friend. "I will show you everyday that you are my priority, you and Noah. I love that boy." Olivia flung her arms around the man who showed her everyday that he was on her side, the man who only wanted to be close to her, who built pillow walls just to put her mind at ease. He was her safe place, a part of her was still fighting her feelings, but she didn't want to. She felt his grip loosen, and for a moment her heart sank. She lifted her head to find his eyes, and there they were. He lifted her chin. "You have my heart, Mi Amor. Now, I want you to take my hand. trust me". They both strengthen up. Olivia backed away from him for a second, and then gently grabbed his outstretched hand They stood like that for a long silent moment. Suddenly his hands were around her waist.

"What's your plan Barba?:

"What?"

"I know you too Raffa. I know you have a plan."

"I thought I spelled it out clearly.

"Not clearly enough, I hate surprises."

Barba smiled. "You want the short term plan or the long-term plan."

"Barba!"

He laughed "Alright. my short term plan is to feed you. I heard you didn't eat all day."

"Fin has a big mouth, all of a sudden." She smiled.

"My long term plan is to seduce you, marry you, and be there for you, to have a life with you." Olivia's. brown eyes went wide, and again Barba found himself smiling. "Te quiero Siempre.", I love you always. In that moment Olivia was speechless. She went to kiss him, but he pulled back. He still held her tightly. ""I'm differant Olivia. I'm going to prove myself to you. I want to make sure when we kiss, when we make love you want it."

"You want to seduce me, but you won't kiss me? Are you kidding me? "How does that work?"

"So far very well. Olivia, I waited so long, when I do kiss you, it's going to become a habit, I will never want to stop. You were recently attacked. I want you to kiss me first when you're ready." You won't regret me. You will never be a robot with me. Understand? You will never be ashamed of anything with me."

"Why did I tell you about that sex talk? I almost forgot about it."

"You almost buried it, Liv. He said gently.

"You do realize that the last man who tried to kiss me was a wife beating rapist right?"

Barba leaned in and kissed her forehead, letting his lips linger. When he was done, he gazed at her, the desire clear in his eyes "Not anymore. Mi Amor."

"You want to torture me?"

"Sweet torture, not real torture. I'm glad you changed your shoes. I love it when you wear flats."

"Yeah why don't you show me?"

"Nice try, I'm not kissing you now, no matter how difficult it is."

"How difficult is it?"

"Olivia," he warned, in his courtroom voice.

"Fine." She sighted.

Barba could see she wanted to say something, but was unsure if she should. "Liv what are you thinking?"

"Tonight, I wanted to go out with the guy to prove to myself that I could go out without thinking about you."

"I knew that.

Olivia rolled her eyes. "So Barba are we going steady?

I just spent hours telling you, you are the love of my life. and I'm going to marry you. What do you think?"

"We are. I guess we've been dating awhile or at least it feels that way." She said softly. "I have no problem with loyalty or being faithful, but what if I told you I still had a problem with the institution of marriage?"

"I'm sure there are stories behind that. I'll change your mind."

"You are so sure of yourself." She said He stepped back, and grabbed her hand leading her into the kitchen.

"You love that about me. Oh, FYI you need to call my mother. She said you spoke to her today, but when she called back you didn't answer. She called 3 times. You're in trouble." She smiled as she watched Rafael Barba, her best friend searching her fridge, if this was trouble she wanted more of it. She never had this kind of trouble, and she wanted it from now on.

"Barba it's late?"

"I'm staying."

"You know we never saw that movie."

"We will. Don't forget, Mi Amor, I owe you a lot of real dates."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's note To be continued in Letting, Shame Out, Letting Love In
> 
> I want to start Letting Shame Out, Letting Love in October. It will be part of a series. Thank-you for reading! I find sometimes writers write a story for the joy and fun it brings. Sometimes an author writes something because it brings them joy and healing! This story is part of what will be a series because it is healing for me. 
> 
> Thank-you Law and Order SVU. Thank-you Mariska Hargitay, Joyful Heart Foundation, and Raul Esparza for inspiring me get out of a situation, and inspiring me to get back to my art again!


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